Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Stinky

I have a trainer.

And now a schedule, which I have committed to adhere to.

Somewhat.

My trainer is a GREAT friend who knows me and has incorporated yoga into my schedule.

Thank you Tracey.

So today, I felt inspired; in spite of a bout with stomach flu and bit of a nutty week…I found myself at Bikram Yoga.

Bikram is another word for really hot, sweaty, humid yoga. It requires that the room be 105 degrees and 40% humidity.

Hot, sweaty, jungle yoga.

I prefer to call it stinky yoga because that’s what I am. At one point, in the middle of the class, I thought What is that smell???

I realized it was me.

Ewww.

We did a pose that I thought would be simple. It’s kind of an on-your-knees back bend. As I tilted back, I realized I was nauseous, super dizzy and needed to lie down on the mat.

What’s up with that

I laid down and heard the instructor explain my nauseous pose.

“This pose incorporates your hips. Your hips hold a lot of emotion and stress. It is not uncommon to feel sick or dizzy in this pose if you have a lot going on in your life. Just be patient, it takes a while to work these things out.”

Well then.

It was a good class, a stinky class and apparently I need to do something about my hips and a back bend. I guess my body is holding a lot of emotion.

Go figure.

All in good time…according to my yoga instructor, it takes a while to work these things out.

Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Peppered

In my old and wise age, I have learned that life is peppered…..

with the good and bad….

The incomprehensible wrapped up in solace, the cloud with the silver lining, kind of like a pigs-in-a-blanket, dipped in sweet and sour mustard, it is untimed, it is what we do not expect, the happy can make us sad, the sad can make us realize how much more we have.

Last week I attended my first funeral since Samantha. My Grandma Bishop was 94 years old and passed away a week after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.

She lived a good life and was ready. She even made brownies beforehand for those who came to visit her during her last hours.

How’s that for peppered?

I took a train from NYC to Washington to attend the service. I was nervous. I know death all too well and was not sure how my response would be.

But I sat next to my cousin Meredith and her lovely baby daughter Tristan. I held Tristan in my lap as she vigorously munched on my bracelet and screeched out in delight when the organ played.

Her head smelled like baby shampoo.

Sweet little head.

And there were times when I cried and there were times when I laughed to myself as I watched Tristan chomp on the church pew.

It’s a crazy cycle; a cycle that moves forward, propels us forward, ready or not. It’s not always good, not always bad. It’s holding a baby while listening to a funeral service and the sweet scent of baby shampoo that makes it all a little more bearable.

Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Life is Like….

Adios dear February. I bid you adieu….

Happily.

One of my Valentine’s treats is the big box of chocolates. I hate to admit it but I love them…the sugary cherry fluff wrapped around dark chocolate, the decadence of having just one more peice….oh…..yum…

and every once in while you get that one bonbon, that one nasty little tidbit that makes you say,

“what the???”

Why does every box of chocolate have to contain the nasty chocolate? Is it a prerequisite?

Just because it is covered in chocolate does not make it better.

But then you get a Carmel and it’s all okay.

Hence my February….a combination of the good and the bitter.

We have lost two Grandmas this February.

Two

I know, it is a wonderful thing that I am 40 and have so many Grandparents but it breaks my heart and I still miss them.

We had a wonderful fundraiser and raised $1,300 for Miracles for Mito!

My grandfather is in the hospital and unresponsive.

Hubby and I went to Hawaii!

And we kicked off a wonderful website.

Two dear friends had to put two dear puppies down this month

It is a lot of emotion, a lot of yummy bonbons surrounded by the stealth, chocolate covered poopie bonbons.

I do not like the poopie bonbons.

I could have left the month happy with the combination of the positive and the negative. Taking the good with the bad. I would be okay


But tonight my friend Amanda posted that her close friend had to say goodbye to her son, baby Braxton, her tiny 24 weeker who had endured 8 surgeries in his short life. I think he was born right around the time we lost Samantha. He fought on for quite a while. I never met Baby Braxton but Amanda and I cheered him on while sitting at the Breckenridge Brewery contemplating this crazy, crazy life.

My heart aches for this family and wonders if the ache ever gets better.

So, for February, poopie bonbons one…..dark chocolate covered Carmel’s zero.

Damn.

May we find the sweet in March.