Samsmom: Life, Joy, Loss and Loving your Mitochondria

Hello.

I’m back.

It’s been three weeks and I have missed you.

I’ve thought long and hard about why I left for a while and can give you a very long, detailed list….work, hubby, eye brow waxing, belly button lint collecting, making a sweater from said belly button lint, remembering to inhale, forgetting to exhale….remembering to exhale…..long, hard exhale.

But here is the truth.

Grieving sucks.

Not only does it suck…like math homework and cleaning the toilet but it SUCKS, it sucks the very life out of you. It reminds me that I am a fragile person, that I am not as strong as I think I am. It drinks my mental and physical reserves like honey and then smacks it’s lips and asks for more.

Bastard.

And I have realized that when work seems out of sync, life seems out of sync, hubby and I seem out of sync, that I have no reserves to draw on. I hide in my little toe while my alter ego, ‘It’s-All-Good-Heather’ tends to my basic life support, toileting, the brushing of teeth, combing of hair, the inhale and the exhale. She is a good care-taker.

It’s-All-Good-Heather searches for my big girl pants only to find they are at the cleaners, she gathers reserves in tiny droplets….like collecting morning dew in baby leaves, she finds things that bring laughter and joy to draw me back out of my little toe.

It takes a lot of work- I can be quite stubborn- therefore It’s-All-Good-Heather has no time to blog….nor would she want to……topics seem silly when I hide in my little toe and she must worry about making sure my hair is brushed.

So that’s where I have been; hiding, gathering reserves, searching for joy in tiny crumbs and fighting that bastard Grief within the confines of my baby toe.

Fighting Grief in the baby toe is tough; it’s crowded, dark and particularly stinky when I wear my Keds with no socks. The good news is that there is no where I can hide and there is no where Grief can hide. It’s like High Noon.

I worried about telling you where I was. I like to be happy. I like to find joy. I like it when I like my life. But it isn’t always the truth and I know, know, you can handle the truth.