*Dear Reader- this post is about a good day!
But it is also contains sensitive content around birth and death…..proceed with caution.
Today was a really fun day. Our hockey team won the Cup! You can’t win a cup and not have a parade. So today half a million of my closest Avs fans converged in downtown Denver for yes, a parade.
I was fortunate enough to be ‘behind the scenes’, drive a firetruck (kidding) and hang out with my Avalanche besties who really are young enough to be my children but that’s okay.
And they only know me as a crazy mom-aged stalker….but that’s okay too.
Today was a good day.
I do not take the joy I feel, my laughter and easy smile today for granted.
17 years ago at this exact time, I questioned everything in my life. I questioned my body. I questioned the cruel circumstances of life and death, pregnancy, parenthood, marriage, motherhood, fatherhood. My whole world and everything I knew about it had been tilted on an axis.
17 years ago the beautiful full term baby boy I carried in my belly died.
Before I would have been hesitant to tell you this- perhaps frightened that it would be too much. But since ya’ll are talking about my baby-maker on every corner…..talking about what you might know without ever having gone through what a lot of women are going through…..
I’ll lay my cards out……..
A little bit of me died 17 years ago.
But I was still alive.
Have you ever seen the Walking Dead? I was Zombie angry. I howled at the moon. I despised healthy pregnant women who gave birth to beautiful babies. I was foreign to everyone else who didn’t loose their babies. I was unpredictable, postpartum bleeding, hormonal and amazingly sad.
But today, June 30, 2022 was a good day.
And I honor today’s good day
I honor it in the fact that the long, extensive, heart breaking road was incredibly personal and difficult. But we made it.
I challenged all of my friendships, and somehow they all survived. I challenged my marriage and we survived.
Jack, in his own silent way, paved the road for other unfairness in our lives. I thank him for this and will always be grateful for the lessons this silent, beautiful boy gave us.
Our story is not different because we wanted our boy. Every story about intimacy, relationships, life, birth and death is told behind closed doors. Government has no place here.
I invite you into my story, without my invitation, you have no seat.
I had more rights as a woman 17 years ago. Even at that time, I was asked by doctors what happened…..did I fall? What did I eat? They copied my file in fear of being sued. They were respectfully distant.
I weep for what my Sisters must endure today- for the ugliness and beauty of birth. For where we are as a country and for where I hope we can meet across the table. For my sisters who must make horrible, private decisions. And for those who have to make much more difficult, public decisions.
For the day that I died a bit…..but for new branches that grow.
And for today….this day…..this fun day. I honor it all.