Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Jane, get me off this crazy thing……called love

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I lived in a mystical part of Germany called Garmisch Partenkirchen. 

Seriously, it was a real place. So real I wikipedia’d it and put a link to it so you could check it out. It is pretty cool. 

I was a ski instructor there which was also the definition of cool. Did you know Ski Instructor was ranked as one of the sexiest professions? 

I was never a sexy Ski Instructor. 

I taught kids. One time I was riding with a little Tike on the T-Bar (T-Bar’s are very European). I held him in front of me between my skis because he was too light for the T-Bar. The little bugger pee’d on me as we were riding up the hill. 

Gore-Tex is water resistant but not water proof. Trust me. 

It was the time before wireless, it was the time before internet, before the DVD. But alas, not before the beloved VHS tape. 

We had two movies on tape. 

Much Ado About Nothing 

and the noteworthy, award winning….So I Married an Axe Murderer

I have seen So I Married an Axe Murderer 112 times. 

I kid you not. 

And I still love it so. 

And can quote it by heart. 




She was a thief 

You gotta belief

She stole my heart and my cat! 



Josie and those hot pussy cats! 

They made me horny! 

Saturday morning! 

I want to be Betty’s Barney! 

Jane, get me off this crazy thing….called love….

Yep, that’s right. 3 years in Europe and all I can recite is ‘So I Married an Axe Murderer’

Parents are proud. 

I also made priceless friends who have gathered for me timelessly….who will appreciate the quoting of ‘So I Married an Axe Murderer’….

Who held me in their arms, celebrated my successes, who cried for me, cheered for me. Loved me as we all evolved from pee-stained ski instructors to who we are today.

One of them got engaged this weekend. 

In my search for resilient, happy people she is kind of on the top….brave, honest and a good friend…. a ‘I will raid Trader Joe’s for the best care package for you’ Good Friend

It’s fun to be happy for the happy. We should do so more often. 

To Love. 

And I got you a wedding present…..its a Juice Tiger….I juice everything now. 

Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Resiliency is not a Super Power

I recently submitted an essay on resiliency….and here it is. 

Super heroes can turn invisible on whim.

They can circle the earth and turn back time.
They can fly.

There is no super power for being resilient.  I’m not even sure what that would look like….

‘Resilient Girl, able to surmount horrible life tragedies and still find happiness in life!’

There is no super power for resiliency because it exists in all of us; the ability to choose to find some shred of good in case of extreme loss and grief, to be honest and true about our feelings but to not let those tragic experiences dictate who we are and our quest for joy.

People call me strong and I never know quite what to say. I don’t feel strong. I know what in my life makes me feel good and capable and what makes me feel sad. I try, when I am able, to embrace the good.

There are studies that say that resilient people have a brain that is wired differently in order overcome aversion. I’m not crazy about that study- I think it implies in order to be resilient; you have to have a different brain. We are all resilient; we just have to believe that we are strong enough to overcome what has been put before us. Not to forget, not to dismiss, but to find a way to find joy.

My husband and I lost our daughter Samantha, when she was four years old.

Samantha was sick. She was rushed to the hospital at 6 months old. After that time, we became frequent visitors. She was diagnosed with a cellular disease called a mitochondrial disease. Mitochondria produce the energy that enables a cell to work, thrive and pass energy to other cells. If it does not do its job properly, the brain, heart, liver, kidney and other vital organs are compromised.

Samantha was amazing. The most fulfilling thing I have ever done with my life was and will always be being her mom.

But I lost her.

The crazy thing about death is that there is no turning it around. You can’t fix it- Superman can’t race around the world backwards and fix everything. It is done.

And it leaves the rest of us to figure out how to live.

People say the loss of a child is the most-painful type of grief anyone can experience. This is not-so-fabulous news when you are in the clutches of this pain.  I did not feel sad or lost; those are emotions that can be translated into words. There were no words for the raw depth of feeling and the confusion I felt .….my emotional barometer would change from hour to hour. I was fine at 10:00 and emotionally wrecked at noon.

But I still had to figure out how to live.

It was not super human strength that got me out of bed after we lost her. It was not super human strength that forced me to take a shower. It was the fact that I was kind of stinky, the sun was out, the birds were singing and that I was more than this tragedy. Samantha was more than this tragedy. Life is short but I have to live many years without her.

And I could not live under the covers.

And so I got up.

At times I fell and did not get up for a while. But I did get up.

And this is why resiliency is not a super power; it is slow, it is deliberate, it is two steps forward and one step back. It is not circling the earth three times to fix a tragedy. It is a decision to be more than a tragedy….and sometimes it is just the need to take a shower.

When Samantha died, we started a Memorial Fund. Months later, I looked at the money collected from generous people who loved her and felt so overwhelmed.

What do we do with this?  

How can this money make a difference?

With the money, we started a non-profit that helps other children and their families living with the same Mitochondrial Disease. It is a complex, complicated disease that involves many specialists, support, and a very dedicated team. When we got our diagnosis, I asked our geneticists who I could reach out to for support, there were not a lot of options and I felt horribly alone.

With our non-profit, I hope that people don’t feel quite as alone. What is ironic is that by directing this non-profit, I don’t feel quite as alone. I had to do something. To move forward in life with nothing to honor who she was and the beauty she brought for a short time seemed so isolating. In helping our other families, I feel closer to my girl.

‘You are so strong’, people say. But I am not. I am a person, a mom, a wife, a human being who still has a lot of life to live. Besides, tights and a super cape never looked good on me.