Samsmom: Life, Joy, Loss and Loving your Mitochondria

Blocked

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“You have a block,” My acupuncturist said.

“Of course I do. Don’t touch it. That dam was made with blood, sweat and tears. Please don’t unblock me. God only knows what will happen if we unclog four years of emotional schmegma. I could be rendered useless for the next 100 years.”

Seriously, useless……100 years.

But sometimes my emotional dam breaks. It’s necessary but I have to tell you, it ain’t pretty. It usually involves a copious amount of carefully selected curse words; words reserved just for hubby, a venti coffee or large glass of wine (depending on the time of day, I do have my limits, sometimes) and a self-imposed time-out.

Time-outs at the hospital are hard, walls are thin. Nurses give you the sad, worried look. There is no place to go, scream, cry, sweat-it-out. I keep pushing for a workout room…..with sound proof walls and several very large punching bags.

Today, after seizures, a lipase number of 5,000 (meaning she’s back on I.V. fluids only) AND a low grade fever, I shuffled my emotionally unstable hiney out of the hospital and into Malibu, where I promptly lost it.

I listened to Pink, as loud as she could go, ordered the biggest Starbucks I could find and drove.

Did you ever see 101 Dalmations? Remember Cruella Deville? I think I looked a bit like her, hair askew, red eyes, knobby knees, just a tad crazy…..

I finally found myself on I-70, hanging at the Conoco in Dumont. You can get a decent coffee there for a nickel.

A nickel I tell you.

Perhaps it was the 40 ounces of coffee I drank, or just maybe, maybe because Lil Miss is having a tough month…….

But the dam broke. I unblocked…..spewed my emotional vomit right next to the big Sams Club Semi. Semi’s are a good place to loose it because the engines are really loud. No one can hear the expletives.

I now flow a little easier and feel much better….about 400 pounds lighter.

How do you loose it? Self-imposed time-out? Let me know, I need some hospital reading 🙂

6 responses to “Blocked”

  1. Deana Avatar
    Deana

    Yes…in the car…with the music very loud and by myself. But mostly, when Steve's out of town, I really let myself go to town once Max has gone to sleep. Stay up till the wee hours letting it all out. I always feel better afterwords…but I HATE crying!I'm available all weekend…for really real if you need anything at all. I will bring you chocolate to start reinforcing the emotional wall. 😉

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  2. Melissa Taylor Avatar
    Melissa Taylor

    Oh, Heather, I hear you about blockage — I'm a stuffer and I eat. Sometimes the best thing I can do is read a good take me away fiction book, usually YA fantasy b/c it's totally unreal and there aren't any difficult words so I can read it fast. I recommend Percy Jackson and the Olympians. 5 books so it will last a week or so. :)I can drive you up the first 3 if you want. Call me!

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  3. MAXarT ~ Autism is Beautiful! Avatar
    MAXarT ~ Autism is Beautiful!

    Oh sweetie! I am making the frown face with watery eyes right now 😦 lil' Samantha hang in there you have your Momma's strength! Me, I am a car crier… the car is always stocked with tissues, used as well as new, an eyeliner and some powder for the red nose! To bad we have the open container law – otherwise a bottle of red wine would be a staple in the seat pocket…

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  4. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    Know that we are with you girl. I have been known to eat an entire bowl of guac, by myself no sharing. Or cookie dough right out of the freezer, no baking. In the end resorting to trashy magazines. We love you and hope that little miss feels better soon Christy, Pete and Kayla

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  5. HeatherS Avatar
    HeatherS

    I LOVE these! Trashy mags, mindless eating, bottle of wine in the car 🙂 I hear ya all….I have good friends 🙂 Perhaps we should have a bar called 'the minivan' with DVD player, cushy seats, wine and kleenex 🙂 Love you ladies 🙂 H

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  6. Rebecca Avatar
    Rebecca

    I am glad you let it all out. I am not the best at knowing when to let it out. In Feb. it was so bottled up that I opened a car door into my head and ended up looking like a Clingon from Star Trek.Since my visit with the car door I have found I am calmer and more peaceful, perhaps something got knocked loose? I have also found the shower is an excellent place to loose it. Hot water, noisy…ok it might echo a bit there is too much sobbing or yelling. No need for tissues in the shower.I have a small pillow (Bob) I have had since childhood, I bury my head in the familiar sent and let go. My friends know where I am emotionally if they see Bob in the car. My kids know where to find Bob at all times and bring him to me. I used to be embarrassed but now I say…hey what ever gets you through the day.Big hugs to you Heather. Kisses to Samantha.

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Hello,

I’m Heather

Welcome to Samsmom and over 15 years of stories about love, loss, grief and the process of moving forward. It’s not always pretty here, but it’s honest. I’m a writer, a fund raiser, rare disease advocate, Mom of two Littles who are no longer here, Wife of Hubs, Aunt to the Phews, daughter, friend and unapologetically me.

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