Our home health agency picked up Samantha’s supplies today.
– 30 tanks of oxygen
– two feeding pumps
– one oxygen concentrator
– one IV pump
– one suction machine
– one pulse oyx machine
This is what we rented from the health agency. We still have boxes and boxes of medical supplies that we have purchased for Samantha’s everyday special needs.
Dismantling our fortress of medical equipment, I felt like a General who had lost a war, who was moving her troops out, who was surrendering her gun.
It was quite surreal.
Everything was moved into the living room and I stared at the pile of medical equipment, a fourth of what we still have to sort through. I looked at my mom.
“I had no idea we had all of this,” I said.
She looked at me with sad eyes, “Samantha was a sick little girl.”
“She never seemed sick to me, she just seemed like Samantha.”
“She was just Samantha to all of us.”
I was not sad to see the pile of equipment be loaded onto the truck and carried away. I was not sad to look at the truck and think I hope we never have to see that truck again.
There is a hole in our house as big as the Grand Canyon….a hole where Lil’ Miss used to be. I tend to get stuck in that hole and wonder how I will ever, ever get out.
But I will not miss that truck.
Samsmom: Life, Joy, Loss and Loving your Mitochondria 
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