Month: August 2010

What do I tell the parking attendant?

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief7 Comments

Did you know that the Douglass County Coroner sells t-shirts?


I find this very odd. You walk into the office and the t-shirts are right there….long sleeve, short sleeve, even a hoodie.

Which begs the question….Who buys a Douglass County Coroner t-shirt?

I can only imagine the conversation…..Hey, you’re heading to the coroner’s office? Pick me up a t-shirt, will you?

I had to go by to finish up paperwork and the people were quite nice and very compassionate….

despite the odd t-shirt thing.

I also had to go to Children’s Hospital which I thought would be difficult, but it was really very healing. I have decided that Children’s will always be a part of our lives….good place, good people.

Driving up to Children’s, I realized their was one person who didn’t know about Samantha, one very important person….the parking lot attendant.

I was a bit of a panic about this….so much that I considered parking at University Hospital just so I didn’t have to tell him.

The parking lot attendant is wonderful. He is older with a lovely smile, kind eyes, broken English and he remembers those who come and go quite a lot. Every time we were in, he would ask;

“Hello Miss, everything okay?”

“Oh, we got admitted last night. I don’t have a ticket.”

“It’s okay. Baby okay?”

“I think she’ll be okay.”

“Good, good, have a good day Miss.”

He would hold a conversation with eights cars behind me. He just wanted to know that we were alright.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him about Samantha; especially in the drivers seat with eager parents waiting in line to get out of the lot.

“Hello Miss,” he said today glancing into the empty back seat.

I gave him a big smile “Hello, how are you?”

“Good, you okay?”

“I’m okay.” And I drove off. My response wasn’t a lie or hiding the truth. I just couldn’t see that sweet face turn sad….

Especially with a minivan on my tail.




Confusingly Okay

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief8 Comments

I have talked about the beauty and value of Hospice services and I have to say…..if you’re struggling with grief, loss or illness, check out Hospice, they really are wonderful, helpful people.


I saw my Hospice counselor today….

We hugged.

And then hugged again.

“How are you doing?” She asked.

“I am confusingly okay,” I responded. “Really, I keep thinking, I shouldn’t be walking. I shouldn’t be driving, I shouldn’t be smiling, laughing. I should be in a dark room, in dark clothes.”

“I should be inconsolable…..mourning the loss of my child. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, to become hysterical, incapacitated, hopelessly sad…but it hasn’t happened.”

“You said the same thing when Samantha was alive.” She said.

What?

“When you first came in here. You said you were afraid that caring for a special needs child would find you joyless, sad, mourning for what should have been. You said you kept waiting for this to happen, to become hysterical, incapacitated….you didn’t understand how you still found joy.”

“Heather,” she said, “you still found joy…in spite of everything, you found joy.”

I played with my frayed Kleenex.

“It just doesn’t feel right to find it now….it surprises me when joy jumps out. It just keeps popping up; a hummingbird, a smell, a laugh with friends, a kiss, a sweet reminder of her. The hole in our life and the emptiness is palpable but somehow we still find little pockets of joy. It makes me confusingly okay.”

“Are you okay with the confusion?” She asked.

“I guess so.”

“Then embrace the joy.”

Bad Hat

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief7 Comments

I have decided that instead of sitting around eating and drinking, perhaps it is better to participate in an activity and then eat and drink….better for the digestion.


Today was golf with Hubby, Dad and Cynde.

I pulled out a hat to protect my post ski-instructor skin and stared at myself in the mirror. The hat was pink; which is now my new favorite color but it had a smiley logo on the front…..Life is Good…

PFFFHHHHHH

I stared at the cheerful life is good face before me; so very annoyed at the smiling nonchalant, never-had-a-care-in-the-world face.

Really?

Really?

The hat just stared back. The hat mocked me, Life is good my left pinky toe.

Oh come on. I said to the hat.

Well isn’t it? The hat said back.

Hmmmm…..I can think of better…isn’t it presumptuous to proclaim life is good all the time? Because it’s not….life is not good all of the time….sometimes life is sad, and confusing, and really, not very good at all…..crappy, even.

Not so sure about that, I’m just a hat; doing my hat thing, sitting in the drawer…..not so sure about life-statements because underneath I am only cotton….. donning a cute, cheerful quote. Doesn’t it make you feel better to know this hat thinks life is good?

And besides….you pulled me out of the drawer. Who’s talking to who here? May I mention, once again….I’m a hat.

The hat grinned back at me again.

Stupid, cheerful hat.

I decided I didn’t need the hassle. I put the hat back in the drawer and pulled out my J. Crew fishing hat…

Because life is fish….or something like that.

For Sale: One pink Life is Good hat with an attitude.

Bammers

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief8 Comments

People have asked for copies of readings and what the family wrote for Samantha’s service. I will be posting things throughout the week.

This is what Hubby wrote for Samantha. They loved Dr. Seuss, so this is in Dr. Seuss style. It is his last bedtime story for her. He wrote the ending the way Samantha’s life should have been.

P.S.- Hubby read this at the service….occasionally having to stop because “something was in his eye” he did a beautiful job. The love he has for his Bammers resonated through the church.

Bammers

In the far away town of Sama Bamma Lome,

Heather the wonder was queen of a home.

A nice little place. It was Clean. It was Neat.

Plenty of water and plenty to eat.

One day Heather realized things weren’t quit right,

her belly started to grow, it was really a sight.

As time went on it was amazing and new,

that belly just kept growing, it grew, and grew and grew.

I mean, It was really huge!

In no time at all the mystery was ended,

Heather held in her arms something incredibly splendid.

I won’t leave you guessing it wasn’t a boy,

it was a girl of course, her name was Samantha, what a joy!

For Heather there was no time for bed,

there was much to do, Samantha needed to be fed.

With no delay Heather went straight to work,

using tools such as pumps, bottles and a fork.

As the months passed by,

Heather couldn’t be more happy,

she tended to Samantha

not once feeling crappy.

But as time continued on things didn’t seem right,

Samantha would eat but threw up every night.

In the beginning this actually was quite fun.

Heather would point her at people like she were a gun.

Grandpa got hit more then just once,

but he would laugh

then clean him self off

never acting like a Munce.

It didn’t take long for Heather to learn how to cope,

it wasn’t hard and gave her great hope.

The trick was patience after each feeding,

just hold Samantha straight up for an hour, while reading

Heather was clever and had everything solved.

It took many years but she had evolved,

into the one single mother that could handle it all;

always preventing even a hint of a squall.

Heather continued to work insuring Samantha was tended,

but unknown to her, troubles were far far from ended.

While Heather sat there so faithful and kind,

seizures from nowhere came sneaking behind.

Heather heard the effects!

She turned with a start.

Shocked as if there were three rifles

aimed straight at her heart.

Did she run?

She did not!

Heather stayed by her girl

even though her life was thrown into a whirl.

She held her head high and threw out her chest

she fought off those seizures,

she gave it her best.

The battle went on.

Sometimes her girl was quite ill.

She fought off the seizures

with a diet and pills.

Times could be scary

and frightening, its true.

But they found times to be happy,

living life through and through.

As Samantha got older

she became stronger and thrived.

Heather found ways to keep her healthy,

robust and alive.

In fact 14 years later,

Samantha was top of her grade.

She went on to be called Doctor,

and the best plans were laid.

Samantha found a cure

and things were much more pleasing.

No more shall we be sick!

No more shall we be seizing!

And it should be, it should be, it should be this way!

because Heather was determined

and fought every day!

Milk

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief10 Comments

The milk was curdled today. Hubby poured it onto his cereal and it landed with a plop into his bowl.


Yuck


The expiration date was 7/31/10….
It shouldn’t have been curdled, it should have lasted another seven days after the expiration date. He told me he thought it was Jack and Samantha…plopping the nasty, stinky milk into his muesli. He said the world will never be the same with those two running around in Heaven.

I have a whole new appreciation and love for this man.

So much love I drug him to Water World yesterday.

This is what every self-respecting, grieving mother does when she loses her child.

She rides the Screamin’ Mimi, gives herself a ginormous water wedgie and holds her hubby’s hand on Tortuga Run.

We really, really needed to get out of the house.

So we did.

And we had a lovely time…..hanging out with the Coslins and the Martins….but every once in a while I would drift off…leave the middle of a conversation to watch a child run into the spray, see a parent chase after a toddler or or gaze at a blue Bob stroller being pushed into the park.

Then I was back.

And I think this is how it will be….a combination of happy and sad, being so touched by what people will do to keep us going, engaged in the conversation and then leave for a while into my own thoughts.

Hubby and I opened the cards from the memorial service last night. So many beautiful words, so many beautiful people.

Hubby would ask….Who is this person? How do we know that person?

She is a therapist, I know her from a TCH committee, he is a friend from high school, they are parents of my college roommate…..

We read cards for three hours.

Full Heart

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief13 Comments

Since Samantha’s diagnosis, I have dreaded the thought of last week.


I knew this day would come. I was pretty sure I would out-live my daughter given her bleak prognosis and I was terrified as to how I would react.

Would I be able to get out of bed?

Would I be able to brush my teeth?

Hold a conversation without sobbing?

Would I hate the world?

Would I hate God?

Would I hate myself?

Would I hate my life?

We are one week into a very long, life changing, sad process and I don’t know how I’ll be tomorrow, or in the next hour, or family holidays. I know times will be hard and times will be sad.

And unfortunately, I found My Grief in the living room this morning; he had tracked his dirty footprints throughout the house and pee’d on the couch. He followed me around, drank my last bit of coffee and stole the Sunday comics.

Bastard.

BUT I have found that I am able to get out of bed and brush my teeth.

This morning Hubby and I laid in bed and talked about the beautiful memorial service, the wonderful people who came to honor Samantha and the glory of the day.

We even laughed.

We laughed

And it is because of the beautiful village that gathered for us and our Lil’ Miss….the wonderful service…..the great music, my hubby’s story, an amazing video, beautiful flowers, the power of a cell phone call, and the glory of all of you….300+ people who gathered to celebrate my child’s short life. And the sweet, sweet thoughts of those who could not make it.

Thank you.

The picnic was amazing….so many people, so much laughter, a run through the splash park getting soaked in our Sunday Best and the grand finale….a short visit by the police……..

Just to make things exciting.

I am still breathing. I am still walking. And because of you all, I am still smiling and laughing.

She is always on our minds and we miss her, but you all have cradled us in your spirit, carried us along, loved us and shared in your own tears and your own joy for our daughter.

I could not do this without you. Thank you for being there for me and my family.