Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

And So This is Christmas

And what have you done?
Another year older
And a new one just begun

A very Merry Christmas,
And a Happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

I couldn’t post until Christmas was over.

I didn’t know what to expect.

Truth is I dreaded Christmas

Last year I shut the whole thing out- because I could. A mom, mourning her daughter….hope, peace, new beginnings, screw it all

This year I felt I should let something in….but I had know idea what it would be.

We had a very White Christmas.

Wednesday night brought a foot of snow and an anticipated storm between hubby and I (we tend to have one big, fat, fight during stressful situations). In frustration and tears, I pulled on my boots, hat, mittens and non-wind proof fleecy pants and headed out into the blizzard for a walk.

I tend to be slightly irrational when in a state of anger and grief; only slightly.

Non-wind proof fleecy pants tend to be cold in a blizzard; no matter how fleecy they are.

Outside was silent….and white….and I found myself laying in the middle of our street, looking up at the storm, making a snow angel and yelling at the sky- yelling for my daughter, pleading with the universe above me to bring her back.

The universe was silent.

And it snowed; big, fat, flakes from the sky.

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

Eventually my fleecy pants froze up and I decided I was too cold to fight the universe any longer. I went inside and drew myself a hot bath and a glass of wine.

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

And after that, I was okay.

Okay to go on with Christmas.

Okay to decorate the tree.

Okay to hang Samantha’s stocking.

Perhaps I had regurgitated my Christmas angst in the street during the snowstorm

Perhaps that Christmas regurgitation was important in order to go on and let Christmas be a part of our lives and be pleasant during the holidays.

The rest of Christmas was lovely, really, it was quite nice.

The morning of December 26th, I laid with hubby in bed.

“Did you have a good Christmas?” I asked.

“Yeah, did you?”

“Uh huh,” I paused, “I missed her. She would have been swalking under the tree.”

“Yeah, me too. She would have been swalking right now.”

And I cuddled into his comfort, his own grief and his smelly armpit.

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

**Kudos to the great John Lennon for Happy Christmas (War is over). Thank you for your words

1 thought on “And So This is Christmas”

  1. Greetings from Sydney Australia Heather, and Happy New Year to you.I hope that 2012 will be much, much gentler on you and your beautiful mama-heart.Wouldn't it be awesome if we could turn back time though…Cyber hugs, Susan


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