Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

First Comes Love, Then comes marriage…..

Have you seen Facebook today? It is exploding with this flag:

This is the Human Rights Campaign’s push for marriage equality as the Supreme Court hears arguments today.
It really is pretty cool, history is currently being made, one way or another.
In the last year, I have developed my own opinion of love and marriage and what constitutes as a family.
I met my husband 11 years ago and fell in love- for many reasons….I liked his smile, he was funny, he talked about difficult topics, he loved me, he skied pretty darn well…. and I thought he would be a great father.
I was giddy on our wedding day. I was marrying the man I loved, we were stable, we were going to start a family, everything I had dreamed about was coming true.
And we got pregnant with Jack
And we lost Jack
And we had Samantha
And we lost Samantha
And you know what happened in the midst of all of our tragedy? I really met my husband and really got to know him.
And I really fell in love with my husband.
In the midst of planning for a family I wanted and dreamed of- I found my family.
It is a tiny family. It’s just Hubs and me and memories of our sweet babies. Do I miss what could have been?My dream of a bigger family?
Do I cherish the relationship I found?
Divorce rate for couples who have lost a child is 90%.
That’s higher than my average test score.
And yet we stay together, not for the children, not for God, not for financial comfort, not because it’s the right thing to do.
We are married because at the end of the day, we want to come home to each other. Because for all of our faults (we are so not perfect), we have found a harmony and love that works for us.
And perhaps marriage can be that simple and that easy and that hard.
As my Dad says ‘God makes ’em and they find each other’
May we all find each other, no matter who we may be and how our lives unfold……I honestly find it a miracle Hubs and I are as content as we are, given everything we have gone through. We are not the traditional family but we are our family.
Our own, private, intimate loving family. We should all have a right to that.

3 thoughts on “First Comes Love, Then comes marriage…..”

  1. Thank you – when Brady passed, we were told the odds of us staying together was remote. My husband's disability gave us 75% chance of divorce; with our child's passing, our chances of staying married was less than 10%. Yet because of my husband's disability and the loss of our child, we became closer and closer. No one has shared our history – no one else can understand our emotional pain and our joy. Only your heart should tell you who marry.


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