Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief


I have to be perfectly honest with you…..

I have been struggling to write. I have sat down two times with an idea for a post and abandoned both of them. 

That’s not like me. I have something to say. I say it. But last couple post have felt like cold oatmeal…..a great idea when it’s hot but if you let it sit too long…..

I have had a time finding my message, my voice. 

A couple days ago I spoke to my good friend Miss H. My friend is moving to Omaha which upsets me greatly. I have been in denial about this move and will continue to be for a very long time. Miss H. and I only see each other a couple times a year but our bond is very close…..I secretly always want to make out with her. And I don’t know WHY….but I do….I think it’s the cute Minnesota accent….and a mean tater-tot hot dish. 

Ten years ago our life was on the same trajectory. She was newly married, I was engaged. We both got pregnant with our first kiddos around the same time. Her son Jackson and my son Jack were born a couple weeks of each other….

And then our paths changed quite dramatically. 

And we are still great friends….kind of like war buddies now who look at each and give a knowing smile. These ten years have been quite a journey. 

Miss H now has three beautiful muchkins…..and is moving to Omaha. Have I mentioned this yet???? Our conversation the other day was eye opening. I was driving to work. She was getting a household ready for school; one child was happy, one child was sad, one wouldn’t put his shoes on. The house is on the market, the move date is set……things are a tad nutty for Miss H. 

And then my lovely friend says, “But how are you?” 

And I know she means it. She really wants to know….because it’s almost Mother’s Day….the evil holiday of all holidays, and it’s Spring and all of of these crazy anniversaries around my kiddos are coming up…..

 And I say, “I’m okay, I think I’m okay. This stuff is coming up again but we’re okay.” 

Because really, we are. I think what I struggle with the most is how to remain relevant. 

Children make you relevant. Samantha gave me a purpose everyday. 

Everyday there is a call to action; lunches must be made, children must be dressed, projects must be finished….and that’s just the typical stuff! Forget bullying, sexting, twerking, peanut allergies and GMO’s. It’s a crazy world out there. 

“Really,” I said. “I might be kind of boring.” 

“Boring would be okay with me,” she said. And then I heard a crash on the phone. 

And I know boring would be okay with her. Especially with everything she has going on….the Holidome on I-70 with a Corona…that would be fine. And I wish boring and quiet for her. 

I, in the meantime was sipping a Starbucks and listening to NPR…..shhhhhh. 

My work now is quieter and I am truly proud of the work we are doing, very proud in fact. But it does not demand attention at 4:00 in the morning, it does not throw up in the hamper, or eat out of dog bowl. The best I can do is a husband who clogs the toilet. 

And so I did tell her that story….my toilet clogging husband.  And got the appropriate eeeewwwwww.…out of her. 

This is still our new life. As we evolve and grow into it…..what will my message be? 

That I need a ticket to Omaha! 

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