I love this day. I really do. New Year’s comes in like a bright shiny penny, full of expectations and hope. Last year drifts off into the sunset leaving me with reflection. What could I have done better? What could have been so much worse?
We are settled into our house on the 20 this year. There are a bazillion projects that need to be completed which will take a bazillion years. But I love this place that Hubs built. And I love him for building this place.
And like our house on the 20, I feel more settled.
And I shudder as I write that- I really do. Years of trauma has taught me to brace for what tragedy might be next. I state the words, “We’re okay, we’re good,” and then make a cringy face and search around as though the next tragedy is lurking in the corner.
Perhaps it is.
Perhaps this is something to work on in 2019.
There were parts of 2018 that were fraught with doubt- more so than other years. Maybe because I didn’t have a move, a sick child, or was silly sick with grief, that left room for doubt to move on in.
I think during those doubtful times, you start to believe lies that you tell yourself; ‘I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I should work harder, why are my pants so tight?’
I am letting go of my lies.
I started my lie purge in September. I am purging old lies from my thought process. This purging will continue through the new year. I am removing the words from my head.
My words create my reality. I want a really awesome, amazing reality; not a pants too tight reality.
I will turn 48 this month. When I was 20, 48 sounded old. Heck, 48 still sounds old.
It sounds old, but it doesn’t feel old.
It feels promising. I see this promise in some of my friends, friends who a venturing out with their own careers, embracing health goals, taking this notion of living a gracious life seriously.
Seriously because this is work. It takes work to dispel your lies. It takes work to not engage in drama. It takes work to live your best life and believe in your awesome, amazing reality.
What is my best life? Heck if I know but I feel like if I talk about it more, it might start to reveal itself. I might even Pinterest a vision board…..take myself on down to Michaels for a glue gun.
So that’s me today. New shiny penny. I hope you feel shiny today too.
Happy New Year.