In March the world shut down.
Our trip to Europe was cancelled. Work trips were put on hold. Ski resorts were closed. We hunkered down and I continued to write in my gratitude journal.
“I am grateful.”
I am grateful for a job, a house, stability, my health, my husband…..the list…..I focused on the list.
And this worked for a while. I held my gratitude like a shield against all that was going on in the world.
But it didn’t get any better. In fact, it got worse. Politics got worse, the summer got worse, we got angry, divided, Spring turned into Summer. Summer turned into July.
July was ugly. My gratitude shield was a puny piece of aluminium…..pew….pew….pew….
I called up my therapist- we hadn’t talked in a year.
“I am so sad. I feel so extended but I’m not. I live with one person, 24/7 and I love him but he’s loud and he farts…..a lot. I should be grateful for all I have but I’m so stinkin sad. I have lost friends. Everything I have held true seems to be false. I struggle. I should be more, I should be better, able to rise above the petty. I cannot.”
I waited for her to tell me I was broken. My pain was exaggerated and she could prescribe something to fix me.
Because we live in a world where we have an instant solution for what causes us pain; a pill, blame, rage….But instead she said to me, “With everything going on, everything. If you aren’t a little depressed about these events, you might not be in touch with what is going on in the world.”
Thank you…..thank you lovely therapist for this acknowledgment; that maybe it is the world that is broken and not me.
I talked to her today. “I am joy starved,” I said. Not just a laugh or a moment but a full on group Powow WAAAAHHOOOOO joy.
“I miss it.”
“What makes you happy?” she asked, “even for a moment?”
“This,” I said, “talking to you, swimming, yoga, moments with friends, reading, slow mornings with Hubs.”
“Your homework,” she smiled, “your homework is to remember these small moments. Take a second or two, remember the air, the smells, how you felt. Remember these moments. Hold them for a precious second and then move on. We can be enveloped in the bad. Hold the good.”
We are all trying.
Trying so hard.
I don’t think things will get easier. I think the next couple months will be very challenging. I invite you all to share what is good. Hold it in just a second longer. We are there….I am rooting for you….I am rooting for me….we are all rooting for us all.
This is not our life. This is just our life right now.