Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Love, love, love

Hubby and I went to a wedding today….it is October 10, 2010 and the wedding was at 10:00….10, 10, 10 at 10.

At ten this morning it was a little chilly, especially on the top of Flagstaff mountain in Boulder; but it was fabulous and the love in the air was palpable.

We pulled into the parking lot and was greeted by 5 year Izzy who jumped into my arms. She looked right at me…..Where is Samantha? She asked.

The way she asked it wasn’t where is Samantha today but where is she….if she’s not here with us, where could she be? She looked directly into my eyes. Izzy wanted answers.

“Oh Sweetie,” I said, “she’s in heaven, she’s up in the sky but she comes around. Maybe today we’ll find her in the clouds or in a bird or a flower.”

“I’ll look for her,” she said and then jumped out of my arms, content with my answer.

As we walked down to the amphitheater, I looked for a bird but the skies were empty.

The service was wonderful….simple, loving. Seneca and Greg got married a little older and you can feel how very happy to have found the other. They are giddy, looking at each like precious treasures they had the amazing fortune to stumble upon.

I adore weddings. I love that Hubby and I hold hands, squeeze each others fingers and remember to fall in love again.

During the ceremony, I found my little bird. Actually I heard her before I saw her…..her sweet little tweet through the trees. She finally flew down to a lower branch to watch the ceremony with us. I thanked her for coming.

It was the only bird I saw that day……maybe because I was looking for her.

At a tasty brunch afterwards, I had Izzy and her sister Nora on my lap. Nora went through the homemade cloth napkins the bride gave as wedding presents.

“This one is for you,” she said holding a blue flowered napkin. She then assigned Hubby a blue one with small polka dots.

“This is Samantha’s,” she said holding up a yellow flowered pattern. “And this is for your little boy.” She handed me a napkin with big blue polka dots. Our little family captured in homemade napkins by a seven year old…..I may never use those napkins. I would be too afraid to spoil them with a spot of grease or tomato sauce.

I love that to these girls, our kids are not gone…..just because we can’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t around.

These these little people ask openly about what’s going on. They celebrate where she could be…..I’m trying to take lessons in 5-year old thought.

It was an enchanting day.

AND it finally, finally rained and felt like a cool October morning. My change has come.

I would wish my friends the best of luck in their new marriage but they really don’t need it. The way they look at each other….they are solid……solid as the earth.

And a little bird blessed their wedding.

4 thoughts on “Love, love, love”

  1. I saw another white butterfly this week…can you believe it, so late in the season, and still a white butterfly was around my garden. This same white butterfly showed up the day Samantha left us. She's all around us. I'm happy for the cooler weather and the cleansing rain too. Hope you have a great week.


  2. Yesterday Caroline looked at her daddy right before our dinner prayer and said, “please ask God how Samantha is doing.” I asked her how she thought Sam was doing. Her answer – “oh, she is great, she is dancing and singing in heaven.” Max looked over and with a firm voice added “Samantha is talking now.” He can say her name perfectly now, I miss the way he used to say Antha.It was an unexpected conversation, but not uncommon. She is never far from their thoughts, or mine. I am glad the little bird came to the wedding, she must have arrived after taking a break from all the dancing.


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