Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Well Hello Christmas

Hello Christmas,

I have decided that I will embrace you. This decision did not come easy. Easy would be to grumble in my hole, easy would be a grandiose pity party.

It is tempting.

But the Christmas spirit, the sense of what is important has shone through, bright as that star we see Christmas night.

Darn you Christmas spirit.

Darn you.

I have been embraced by stories of others’ hardship….stories of sickness and sadness and stories of moving on but never forgetting. I love the people you are. My gift this year is you and the raw, true emotion you have shared with me the last week.

Thank you.

Our ability to feel, to show compassion and empathy make us more human than any other trait.

This is my humble opinion.

Hubby and I celebrated Christmas yesterday, just the two of us. He gave me a ruby and diamond encrusted pendant. I pulled it out and started crying.

“The ruby is Samantha’s birthstone,” I said.

“It’s Jack’s too,” he said.

A friend of ours commented this summer, “When you two talk about your kids, it’s like they are here. You both talk about them so openly and let each other share.”

Thank you hubby for being a hubby who celebrates our family, no matter where they might be.

And thank you for the necklace. Bobbles are always lovely.

And the best present, last night I dreamt about Samantha for the first time. She was lying on the floor and I was tickling her belly. Her skin felt so soft and that cherub belly was magnificent. She would bring her hands together, tuck her chin in and smile as I tickled her. I kept thinking, Well you’re not sick, you’re not sick at all.

I have held onto that dream all day.

So darn you Christmas. Darn you for giving me a strong-as-steel support group, a hubby who embraces our family (and gives me diamonds) and for giving me the best present, a sleepy, lovely, memory of our girl. Come by and visit anytime Miss.

I am at peace, perhaps even a little grateful.

Darn it.

6 thoughts on “Well Hello Christmas”

  1. I love this with all of my heart…ALL OF MY HEART! That dream…made my Christmas Eve Heather. I just love it. And love you!Merry Christmas to you and Bart…merry merry Christmas.


  2. I dare anyone to read this without tears. It won't happen. Beautiful. Precious. Touching. Diamonds and Rubies are lovely…but a sweet dream of your girl has to be the most treasured gift of all. Next time you “see” her, will you tell her to tell my Poppy to stop by my dreams again, sometime. I have just had one…and I remember every detail. I know you'll cherish your sweet dream. Merry Christmas, Cuz! You will be close in my thoughts tomorrow! Hugs, of course, to Bart too!Love you much!


  3. Love. I used to be sad when I'd dream of Christian completely whole after the accident, smiling and playing. I would get sad because I was deathly afraid this was the only way I'd ever see him again like that. But now I welcome those dreams, I wish I had more, and they leave me happy.So I understand a little bit. Bless you and hubby during this Christmas and may peace continue to be with you.


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