Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

There’s a Fire Starting in My Heart

This is not an Easter post.

Or maybe it is. It is about moving on, finding strength to grow from ashes, life after death.

I guess it might be an Easter post.

I have found solace in a couple things; exercise and angry Chick music.

Combine them and I am indestructible.

Yesterday my long ride was thwarted by a snow storm. I was antsy after after a topsyturvey week at work, Jacob’s heart diagnosis, and constant reminders of Samantha.

On Saturday morning, I followed my husband around.

“It’s snowing, should I still go for a ride?”

“Well, it’s snowing,” said hubby.

“Maybe I’ll go to the gym, should I go to the gym? ” I debated back and forth.

“Go!” He said, “Get some of this angst out of you.”

“Am I full of angst?”


So I found myself at the gym, at the spin room, by myself in the spin room, a room full of mirrors.

And I plugged in Pandora, an on-line app that plays your favorite songs and then plays other songs that sound similar to your favorite songs.

My Pandora radio station is a plethora of angry-girl music. I love it.

I found myself a sweaty, spin-cycle mess. I burned 1,200 calories in an hour and a half. I was en fuego.

At one time one of favorite songs came on…. Adele… Rolling in the Deep.

There’s a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally, I can see you crystal clear.
Go ahead and sell me out and-a I’ll lay your ship bare.
See how I leave, with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.
There’s a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling…
We could have had it all..Rolling in the Deep
You had my heart inside… of your hand
And you played it…To the beat

It is a fabulous warrior-goddess song about a bad break-up. Not quite what we have gone through but it hits the inner-pissed-off-Mama-Goddess inside of me.

So I rode. I turned the cycle knob to it’s hardest setting.

I raised up out of my seat and chanted the lyrics

Don’t underestimate the things that I will do….

I wiped the sweat off my brow

The scars of your love, remind me of us.

Someone came into the spin room, looked at my crazy self and left.

There’s a fire starting in my heart.
Reaching a fever and bringing me out of the dark

I could have had it all. What does it mean to have it all? Did I, at one time have it all? Did I play it? To the deep?

I turn the dial one more time.

I think I might throw up….but it’s a good throw up.

Is there a good throw up?

I can’t see through the sweat on my brow.

But I feel my heart. It beats like a crazy drummer. I feel it through my chest and I feel alive. Good heart.

I returned home and fell asleep on the couch at 9:00.

Snooze well warrior princess, sometimes those inner demons are the hardest to battle

4 thoughts on “There’s a Fire Starting in My Heart”

  1. sounds like there is a very good throw up.I'd like to rediscover my road bike this spring. It is sad and dusty and long-neglected. Let's go for a ride-but you'll have to go easy on me!xo


  2. This coach gives shiny new quarters to any of her athletes who up-chuck during a workout…given the strength of our dollar against yours, it would be worth it 😉


  3. Mmmmmm LOL a good throw up…I thought ..ewwww..but ya know the warrior goddess in me really got that! Those days that ya just have to Let Fly with the Xena in you! Wonderful post! Hang in there and breathe!! Namaste, Sarah


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