Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

No Words

What do you say when you don’t know what to say?

I have been trying (without success) to put into words, the meaning of the last week.






I have found that the best dishes combine the sour and the sweet, the sweet and the savory, the salty and the honeyed.

My favorite chocolate is dark with sea salt and almonds… there you go. This week was my favorite chocolate; complex, bitter and a salty at times, yummy, decadent, rich, fabulous, just a tad nutty and best paired with a lovely Cabernet.

Thank you for a wonderful week.

Last Wednesday was Samantha’s birthday. Our team hit $50,000 at 9:15 that morning. I watched with awe as our tally went up by the $100’s every minute. We had done this. We had done this.

$50,000 was going to fight the disease that took our girl.

I knew I would be glued to the computer if we stayed at home so hubby and I took a drive through Rocky Mountain National Park and up to Grand Lake.

I left my phone at home. We held hands, had a picnic and talked about the day she was born. It was a tad salty and a good celebration.

And our tally continued to climb.

And then came the weekend and our ride. Oh the weekend! I without a doubt, have the best team ever. I am still bathing in the love, support and generosity from this team and from our tribe of friends and supporters! Thank you all so, so much.

Everyone did great. The hard training paid off. We avoided the sinkholes through Leadville and it was amazing to see Summits for Samantha jerseys at every turn.

On the last day we met before the finish line to cross over together. As individuals rode up to the rest of the team, everyone cheered. And we all got on our bikes; 52 of us looking fabulous in our team ‘kit’ snaked up the hill to the finish line. We were a great, big Summits for Samantha biking parade!

And I cried all the way up…..happy cry….chocolate with sea salt.

Our tally continued to climb- $60,000

And we all went home, sweaty, (truly) salty, tired and energized, and took a nap.

Tuesday morning found me on a flight to Manhattan. My legs were still painted with temporary tattoos (how do you get those off?), my nose slightly sunburned and I felt like a giddy teenager after a date with a crush. I was in love with the weekend.

Yesterday was the day we lost Samantha, two years ago. The exact time passed as I was eating a lobster roll with a client. I noted the clock, looked up at the ceiling and played with my ‘S’ necklace as we talked about response rates. Later in the afternoon, I processed this crazy week by walking in crowds on 5th Avenue. It amazes me how lost you can get in New York among so many people, perfect.

We had a client party last night at a restaurant above Grand Central Station. It was decadent; caviar, tapenade, prosciutto and Parmesan were passed on tiny plates. Below us were commuters heading home after a long day, above us were the constellations and Greek Gods painted on the ceiling of Grand Central.

And our tally continued to climb to $70,000.

I stood in a cocktail dress with temporary tattoos still on my calves and felt somewhat ethereal; crazy, perfect, sad, embracing, powerful, loving, amazing week.

The waiter passed desserts- I took a dark chocolate brownie sprinkled with sea salt.

Thank you…..a million, bazillion thank you’s. You all are the Greek Gods on the ceiling of Grand Central Station 

Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Too Much Emotion

I told you I would be boring in July, didn’t I?

July is tough. And those who know us know why…..we have Jack’s birthday, Samantha’s birthday and the day we lost both of them….and we have this crazy ride all in the middle.

This crazy ride, with this crazy team, who is pulling together $50,000.

And it makes me cry….out of joy, out of grief, out of complete gratitude, that this is where July has taken us.

Crazy July.

This weekend I had the pleasure of leading a ride up Berthoud Pass.

Berthoud is steep….but my team is quite mighty.

And I met a friend…and on the way I was talking about July, and why this month is so hard. And she turned and said to me….”yeah, we lost my brother in July.”

And I was humbled and we talked about her little brother who was taken too soon. And we shed a tear.  And realized I am not the only one riding for cause. Perhaps what brings us together is July…….

Crazy July…

And crazy team! Up top Berthoud Pass!

Not sure what the big gray bar is there, but look at the ‘P’ they are blocking out…Cheeky Monkeys

Part of the team up top! Did I mention I have a very good looking team? Not everyone can pull off spandex and a shammy!

To July, and my team, and gratitude….and too much crazy emotion to process…and to our ride.

Did I mention you can donate here?

Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Moving Forward…not on

Yesterday was Jack’s birthday.

Happy birthday Jack, you would have been seven years old.

Seven years…..holy moly.

Seven years ago, people would say, “It will get easier with time.”

And I wanted to say, Well I certainly hope so because today the sun hurts my eyes and every breath feels bitter.

But life went on.

And the days turned into years. And one year turned into two, two into three. And I no longer counted down the days until his birth, in fact the week kind of snuck up on me.

Crazy life.

We have had horrible fires in Colorado. People have lost a lot- over 300 homes in Colorado Springs.  A friend of mine posted that it’s so odd to continue our daily life with destruction around us. It’s almost a slap in the face to those mourning…….the world should stop but it does not, the birds should not sing, but they do. The tide carries us forward, the clock keeps ticking, the sun rises and sets, and as time goes on, every day becomes a new invitation for us to join.

On Jack’s birthday, I rode 65 miles with our team, Summits for Samantha. They all remembered Jack’s day and wished him Happy Birthday. Hubby and I had a mellow day finished with grassfed, organic ribeyes and a surprise bottle of wine Hubby had found. It was a bottle from France, the same wine we enjoyed from our honeymoon.

To go ‘on’ implies that we forget. To move forward….to gather the beauty and grief we have collected and weave it into this life.

Happy Birthday Jack