Category: The Samantha Years

Does trauma gives you a hall pass? Someone should tell the hall monitor

On By HschichieIn blog, home, Life Today, Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief, The Samantha YearsLeave a comment

I posted something cryptic on Facebook Saturday. It caught a lot of attention from my tribe but it really wasn’t a big deal….

Nothing like seizures, mitochondrial strokes or premature death.

I joke because I can.

Because I have survived these things.

I watched the EEG of my daughter explode. I have held hands in the PICU, I looked at a tiny pink casket, our tribe has buried our Littles before their time. I have gone toe to toe with a PICU doc and won.

I am a badass. I run with Badasses; I am proud of the strong people who have held me up and who I have held.

And yet.

At times.

Silly life shit takes hold of me. Suffocating. Like that stupid snake in the Jungle Book. It starts at my ankles, moves up my knees, my tummy, constricts my heart and looks me straight in the eyes. Sings to me and lulls me into a sense of doubt, confusion and negativity. Trust in me…..just in me….

I hate it.

Because silly shit is not worth suffocating over. I buried two babies and still managed to put my pants on and brush my teeth.

Silly shit is not worth it.

But I think all of us who have suffered trauma deal with this; cars cut us off, people are jerks, friends disappoint us, egos get in the way, Facebook pisses us off. These are not life and death situations. But in my mind, I expect the inconsequential to roll off my back and when it does not, it rattles me more.

I could place a cath in 10 seconds, deliver rectal Valium and I never gave it a thought. Why does this rattle me?

Perhaps this is the evolving trauma process…..what do we do after trauma when real life makes us crazy.

After we put our pants on, brush our teeth, go to work, cross the street….what happens next?

And really, I don’t post this as cause for alarm.

Because cause for alarm is another issue. I sometimes feel us going through all of this are afraid to post our struggles, because we don’t want to cause alarm. We are okay, really. We cry in ours cars, we get sad but we are here, really we want nothing more than to relish in joy and live our lives.

So a question for all of us and real life; what are your tools? What are your tricks for dealing with the silly shit? I invite all ideas J

Happy Spring!

Sam I am

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Here is my new super sleek jersey for the Courage Classic

It has magic powers…..powers of perseverance, strength and fighting the odds.


Sam I am….

I am Sam….


Well really I’m not….I am Heather but many times I feel that Samantha is my left hip, my right shoulder, my heart and soul….so in a way, I am Sam.

This is Gram


Gram gave me the lovely jersey as a riding present…..well, Grandpa Jim did too but Gram rhythms better with Sam, and ham and WHAM! and blam and who I am.


I think they would both say “I am Sam” too….perhaps many people would 🙂 She’s an infectious Lil’ Miss

Courage Diaries 2009

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Our ride is 9 days away! A year ago we were training from the hospital. Here is our ‘Courage Diary Part I’ from 2009

There is No ‘I’ in Team…..But I Did Find Me.

July 14:

We are in Children’s Hospital; our unsought home away from home. I’m watching over my daughter, Samantha as I wait for my husband to deliver my bike. Two weeks and counting until the Courage Classic. I need a training ride.

I put my bike shoes on while watching Samantha’s heart monitor….what was I thinking in signing up for this ride? We have waaaaayyyy to much going on.

February:

I signed up for the Courage Classic; three days on my bike, 156 miles in the mountains. It’s huge fundraiser for Children’s Hospital . My bike was propped sadly against a wall in the garage; dusty with two flat tires. I had a lot of work to do but I figured I had time. July was a very long, long way away, right?

April:

Two hospitalizations for Samantha and more procrastination from me.

May:

I realized I only had two months to get my butt in gear. Samantha’s team started to form. As people started to fundraise, I realized this was much more than a ride through the mountains. This was a ride for many personal causes. This was a chance for people to do something for my daughter, a chance to ride in herhonor. Samantha’s Grandpa Jim wrote a heartfelt testimonial on his fundraisersite.

“I ride so that someday my granddaughter Samantha can ride.”

Well crap, now I guess I’m committed.

Once again, family and friends have come along for our bumpy ride, for our crazy life parade. I often wonder if I would be as philanthropic as my community if this were happening to another family. Would I sign up for a 156 mile bike ride to support a friend? Would I opt out? Biking Vail pass is hard. I try to avoid hard things.

Ironically, hard things still tend to find us.

June:

Samantha is hospitalized with a staph infection. The infection was dectected in her ear and bladder meaning that it has colonized throughout her body. She ison I.V. antibiotics. We have ten different speciality teams on our case.

Our Courage Classic Team has raised $4,000 for Children’s Hospital. But I amdoubting my decision to take on this ride. I’m sad to think that I would have todrop out because she was not doing well. Alas, another event we would have tocancel; another testament to our variable, uncertain life.

Au contraire, mon frere.

The longer we are in the hospital, the more my team grows. At home, myhusband packs up the essentials: clean underwear, meals and then loads up mybike, helmet, gloves, water bottles and drives down to Children’s Hospital. Ourmedical team encourages me to get out and asks about my training. They allreassure me that they can handle Samantha’s medical needs, on their own, while I go out and ride.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay? I’ll be gone about two hours” I tell a nurse

“Heather, this is a hospital.”

I learn to release my mama controls just a little bit.

Perhaps I needed to release the controls just a little bit

Because being in the hospital stinks.

Being in the hospital 80+ days out of your three-year old daughter’s life reallystinks. Even if Children’s is a state-of-the-art, best-of-the-best hospital with reallycool X-Box machines in every room, my heart still breaks every time we areadmitted.

July 14:

My husband steps into the room, he eyes my attire and laughs….bike shorts and jerseys just aren’t typical at the hospital.

“You’re itchin’ to get out aren’t you?”

“Feeding is at two, meds have been given and our nurses’ name is Kelly. I have my cell phone.”

“You won’t need it…..go”

I ride…I turn my back from the hospital. Ironically, I found someone during these rides. I found a woman who is strong, who likes the sound of her heart beating when she is doing a hard climb. A woman who loves her daughter dearly but also loves the feeling of clearing her head as she leaves the hospital for a long ride; a woman who can briefly shed oxygen tanks, feeding tubes and I.V. meds for a little while because she has a very, very good team.

I slow down at a curve and brake a little too suddenly. It’s alright. You can let go of the controls….just a little bit.

Instead of a black suit, he wore love…..

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Our buddy Colton was just featured in the Johnstown paper for his essay on Martin Luther King. We think Colton and his family are pretty darn cool.

I think his essay is pretty darn cool too.

Here are a couple words to ponder about Colton’s thoughts on Dr. Marting Luther King…. “He was just like a ninja but instead of having a sword, he had words. Instead of a black suit, he wore love.”

Colton just finished second grade. I think I was still trying to figure out how my ‘baby-pees-a lot’ worked when I was in second grade.

I’m still trying to figure it out…..

Thanks Colton for your smart and poignant words. Tomorrow as I go out, I will proudly wear my suit of love.

I Never Thought….

On By HschichieIn The Samantha Years3 Comments

Tonight Samantha is FOUR!!!

Four years old.
A big girl….
Kind of….
At four I question the life laid in front of us. Our neurologist once said “Well if she’s not walking at 4, there is a good chance that she won’t”
Samantha doesn’t walk…
or talk…
There is a good chance that she won’t
And I’m okay…..and I think she’s okay…
I always thought having a special needs child would be isolating….
No one wants to talk to the family with the child who can’t walk….

Or talk….
But tonight, I am surrounded by the people who love Samantha and who love us.
Who accept our girl for the beautiful four year old she is…
Who stroke her feet…
And her head….
Who keep her cool in the heat…
And who just love her…..
People who reinforce the blessing that she is.
Happy Birthday my sweet girl and thank you to our family and friends…
Thank you for just being there and loving our girl.
And Happy Birthday to the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Truly.

Summer School

On By HschichieIn The Samantha Years2 Comments


Samantha finished summer school on Tuesday.


She has never attended summer school.

I have never been a summer school parent.

Unchartered territory…..

Summer school is a funny little animal because it’s summer and summer is the time when you shouldn’t be in school. The atmosphere is pretty laid back and protocol that happens during the school year just doesn’t happen during the summer….primarily because they don’t have the staffing.

In any other situation, these relaxed circumstances would drive me crazy…..nuts…

Relaxed atmosphere? We are many things in our household but relaxed is hard to come by. We are scheduled, timed, measured and monitored….but not relaxed.

Thank goodness….THANK GOODNESS…our lovely para from the school year, our fabulous Miss Linda volunteered to work summer school and be Samantha’s para.

I hugged her the first day and whispered in her ear “I’m so very glad you’re here for us.”

And meant it with every bone in my body…..down to my pinky-toe bone.

If Miss Linda is watching Samantha, all is good…..the world is right.

Because she loves Samantha and Lil’ Miss loves her right back.

And her cell phone is always in range….ready to take a call from a hysterical Samantha’s Mommy.

I think she needs a super hero cape……Miss Linda….Super Para!

I’m quite serious.

The last couple days she had a side-kick, her daughter Rachel; who loves Samantha just as much.

Once again, how lucky are we?

Here we are with some of Samantha’s buddies on the last day of summer school.


Samantha and the dynamic duo!

Miss you already Miss Linda! See you in August. Love, Samantha



Shhhhhhh!!! (By Samantha)

On By HschichieIn The Samantha Years5 Comments

Mama has gotten A LOT of great press lately. Monster Max, The Fisch Tank and Makenzie’s Miracle have all thanked and sang kudos to Mama for riding for the Children’s Hospital and their kids.


This is wonderful….

And thank you for your thank you’s…..

But I have to let you in on a little secret,

Just between you and me…..

Mama LOVES this time of year!!!!

Loves it, loves it, loves it.

When else does Mama get to take off for hours on end? To go on a bike ride?

Mama is also hungry ALL the time and has added Milano Cookies to her ‘training regime’. She has developed a nice tan and FABULOUS biker shorts tan line. She leaves Daddy and I to entertain ourselves for hours on end. Not a bad way to spend a summer, eh?

In regards to raising money for Children’s, the people who should be thanked is all of you for your generous donations and constant messages of support. Did you know because of you, Mama is in the top 40 this year for donations?

Top 40!

That and the lovely Channel 9 commercial have given Mama a big head. Any bigger and we’re going to have to get her a new bike helmet.

I’m not kidding, it’s like an orange on a toothpick*

So thank YOU…..and Mama too…. but really….so much to you… Mama’s out somewhere, with her bike eating gummy bears and working on her funky bike tan

Well that’s a huge noggin’ a virtual planetoid.

P.S.- Name the quoted movie and I’ll send you a subscription to GetBorn! First one wins 🙂

P.S.S- To move Mama even further up in the Courage Classic standing, you can make a donation here.

We will build our house

On By HschichieIn The Samantha Years3 Comments

and chop our wood,


and make our garden grow,
and make our garden grow….Candide

I am quite proud of the garden class of 2010.
They seem to be high-performers, over-achievers…

Garden Frog

Cutest Garden Helper

Max…..neighbor’s dog and the 2nd cutest garden helper

Lovely Lily

Bouquet of lavender, basil, mint and rosemary….all from the garden

Feast for the senses…..I am in love