What I would say…..

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief5 Comments

In September five gay teenagers took their lives……it is making headline news and it should.


Today I meant to post about my new life at work, but I can’t.

This subject is taking too much frontal lobe space and I must purge…..

Suicide is a tough topic for me because we fought tooth and nail for Samantha’s life.

But I get it. I do understand that sometimes you can’t see past the darkness. It makes me incredibly sad that these children felt they had no where to turn…..this is what I would say to these five kids…..

We have failed you and I’m sorry.

Life can be hard. Life can be so hard you feel like your heart is ripping out of your chest.

But it’s not. Despite everything you are going through, the bullying, the hateful comments…..that heart of yours keeps beating, your lungs keep taking in air even though the wind has been knocked out of you….almost as though your body is mocking your pain.

My heart is breaking but it still keeps beating…..how horrible is that? I am holding my breath but still I breathe.

It’s horrible. Sadly, there will be more times when the heart is breaking but still beating.

There will still be times when you feel isolated, alone, afraid and hopeless….but that can’t be the end. There are times when life is fabulous, happy and you’re on cloud 9 but that can’t be the end either.

And really…..how boring would it be it life were fabulous every, single day?

Life is good, life is sad, life is gain, life is loss, life is many, many things…..80 (something) years is a long, long time

And if you leave now, when it’s bad, it will always be bad….it will always be full of strife, hate and pain. But if you stay, if you can fight for who you are, if you can search and find the beauty in life….you will find it and it will find you.

No matter how different you feel.

I have always, always felt different from ‘the norm’. It wasn’t until my daughter came along that I embraced that difference. I had a 4 year old who couldn’t walk, talk or eat…..different became the norm in our life….it still is.

And life has been much smoother since I embrace that difference.

It will get better. It will.

The world is full of people who could have left but decided to stay…..decided to fight and make some sort of change.

And they did.

As I type this my 75 year old neighbor is outside dancing to Grease with her granddaughters in her bathrobe. Seriously, it’s 9:15 at night in our little HOA controlled neighborhood and I can hear her through our bedroom window…..Look at me I’m Sandra Dee just came on.

Random….completely random…….but life….

The world is full of people who love you, love you, love you…embrace that, relish in that. Hold that white flag up….send out the emergency flares and scream I need help! and let them help you because they will, they will come in droves to help and insure you are not alone.

Trust me…..from one survivor to another

I can only hang with my mole people….

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief7 Comments

Today I am also hangin’ at Hopeful Parents

I did a search on mole people and found that in urban legend, they are the groups of people that live underground in the subway system.


I also found this…..


…..my mole people are much cuter and not quite as shocking….

And them I found him….

Alas my mole person….

I named him Harvey.


And on many days I feel like I have joined him in his little hole.

My life has evolved to a deeper level. After Samantha, copious amounts of small talk, surface-level talk drives me insane.

I no longer do well at parties with people I don’t know. Here’s how I imagine my conversations…..

“Yes I like to dabble in scrap booking but ever since we adopted our eighth cat, I’m just way too busy.”

I imagine myself casually taking the last cheese straw and saying “Yeah, well, my daughter died.”

But I don’t , I don’t do this. But these surface level conversations make me crazy.

I want to take things to a deeper level….let’s dig deep, go below the surface, where it is dark and dirty, where it’s kind of stinky….where life is real.

And I love those who go with me. I love my mole people.

On Monday I went back to the job I left four years ago when Samantha got sick. I have been amazed at the people who stop by my desk with tears in their eyes and say, “I am so glad your back but I am so sorry about Samantha. I’m sorry you could come back because she is no longer here.”

It’s messy, it’s dirty, they don’t have to take things to a deeper level but they do. They allow me talk about my pain, my life…the muddy, crappy, poo that unravels when you go a little deeper.

And I am so very appreciative.

I love my mole people. And if you’re hangin’ with me, congrats, you have received mole person status.

Although you are much prettier than my green buggy friend above.


Let’s get dirty.

Paging Mr. Frost….Mr. Jack Frost….

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief2 Comments

A couple weeks ago a friend of mine sent me a lovely card just in case the changing of the seasons proved to be a little difficult.


I thought this was wonderful and very thoughtful but I LOVE the Fall…love it….and I thought I would embrace the seasonal transition.

But last week I was picking the last of the tomatoes and a wave of sadness came over me. One of my favorite things was hanging in the garden with Samantha watching by, sitting in her Radio Flyer wagon. I think she loved it as much as I did.

It made me sad that we won’t grow another garden together; so sad that I drew myself a hot bath and had a little cry fest. Actually I am a fan of the cry fest, I am always feel better, a little cleansed, tired and at peace. I sat in the tub until my feet were raisins.

But now that I have come to this conclusion, I want this year’s garden to be done, over….I am now ready for another season, a little change, a step forward. My sad tomato plants are hanging on by a teeny tiny thread….they are ready too.

As luck would have it, our autumn has been historically hot. I feel obligated to go out and water our sad little plants as they cling the last remnants of Summer…..producing teeny, wimpy fruits.

I need a good crisp Fall. I need a cleansing cold. I need to say goodbye to my tomatoes. Mr. Frost is a tad tardy.


Bad Breakfast

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief6 Comments

Taboo, Sugary Cereal Day at work lead me to several interesting observations……


I really did bring Lucky Charms.

I haven’t had Lucky Charms since I was 8…..there might be a reason for this.

I walked into the cereal aisle looking for my marshmellowy delight and wondered where the heck it was. At eye level, I only found Special K, Corn Flakes and Fiber One, no sign of my little leprechaun.

And did you know, Lucky the Leprechaun was born in 1964 and has been magically delicious ever since?

I love the wide world of Web.

But I digress….

I couldn’t find Lucky and his Charms because all of the sugary cereal is located two feet above the cereal aisle floor; eye level for the wandering 4 year old. Seriously, next time you’re in the cereal aisle, look down two feet, it’s a crazy, cartoon, cereal party down there; Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, Pop, CocoPuffs, and that nutty Toucan…..all down there.

Crazy.

So I brought my Charms of Luck to work and continued to drink my coffee and helped myself to a bowl….because after all, they’re magically delicious!

Fifteen minutes later, my heart started palpitating, I couldn’t speak in complete sentences and I was skipping through the hallways singing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria. Clearly, I was suffering from a caffeine, Lucky Charms overload from only one bowl.

My only thought was they feed this to small children in the morning and then put them on a bus????!!!!

Thank God it now comes fortified with fiber and calcium.

But the marshmallows are now bigger so one negative probably cancels out the fiber positive.

I will probably wait another 32 years for another bowl of Lucky Charms….that leprechaun is quite naughty.

244 First Things First TV – "Mouse Trap"

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief1 Comment

There are many things going on in the life of Me but tonight I just needed a little chuckle……

So, I give you my lovely friend Heather Stewart and mouse bread.

Heather was the organizer of ‘The Newport Beach Cougar Extravaganza’.

I adore her and find her quite hilarious. The commentary here was typical of Newport weekend discussions…..that and a couple margaritas…..Lordy.

***Warning….do not try to watch this video while having a snack, breakfast, lunch or any bready item…..

Lucky Charms

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

Living with a child as sick as Samantha, the inevitable was in the back of my mind. I hated to think about what could happen, even though I knew the chances of that happening were a very true reality……


What would I do if we lost her????

I always thought I would turn to something dramatic and life changing…..I will live in Africa with the elephants…..I will work with children who have AIDS……I will work tirelessly at Children’s Hospital, consoling parents of terminal children……

Today I went back into the professional world. Surprisingly, I went back to the company I worked at before Samantha got sick.

I decided I didn’t want to work with the elephants……I want something familiar. I want to work with old friends at a job that I liked and I did well.

So I did just that.

Driving in today was a little bittersweet. For as demanding as being Samantha’s mom was, it was seamless and lovely. It will always be my favorite job.

Going back to work is a big step in moving forward….a big necessary step. I couldn’t watch another episode of Oprah, my sweats were starting to fray and I need a little structure and another focus in my life.

And now I have it.

I walked in today to hugs, smiles and comments of we are so happy you’re back. And I am too.

Tomorrow our group is having a breakfast meeting. We’re supposed to bring our favorite, taboo, sugary cereal.

I’m bringing Lucky Charms.


It is none of my business what other people think of me…..

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief8 Comments

But we still worry about it don’t we?


Well I do.

Which is actually kind of funny because I can be loud, somewhat opinionated and I know I have been known to offend.

Still worry about it.

And it bothers me that it bothers me.

I presented to a group of nurses a couple days ago on how to work effectively with parents who have chronically ill children. The discussion was lively and somewhat controversial but it got us all talking about how to work as a team…..talking is good.

I walked away empowered and feeling great.

And then I read the reviews……

“I’m so bummed,” I told hubbie. “Five people, 4% of the group disagreed with the material presented, my material.”

Hubbie laughed, “Only 4%? What did the other people think?”

“I guess they thought it was helpful.”

“95% isn’t bad.”

“Um…..96%…..but what did those five people think?” I asked. “Did I upset them? Did I say something wrong? Do they not like me? Why couldn’t I be 100%?” And then I laughed because I sounded slightly neurotic……only slightly.

Truth is, I never really wanted to know about those five people. It’s really none of my business what they thought of my presentation and given the nature of the conversation, they probably were offended. It’s hard to talk about how parents and nurses can collaborate better without getting a little emotional….we all have our stories.

Despite really wanting to sit down with those five people and hear their opinion, listen to what irked them, I am trying hard to let it go. Why focus on the bad evidence when the good evidence is good? Why spend precious brain time on this? People are going to like ya….or not and I guess it really is just none of our business…..

that’s what I’m telling myself.

Power Grief and Doritos

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

I’ve been off-line the last couple days……


I’ve been with my Garmisch sisters.

Pictures will be posted soon…..

And I have to say, if you have something you need to sort out in your life, if it be death, divorce, heartbreak, bankruptcy, in-grown toenails……go sit on a beach with your sisters.

Eat bags of Doritos and drink margaritas. To hell with yoga, aligning your chi, high cholesterol, counting calories…..throw it out the window, at least for the weekend.

Go sit on a beach, stare at the waves. Discuss important topics such as which sea bird would be the best to go drinking with?

The answer? A pelican (of course)

Howl, howl at the crazy moon. Go skinny dipping in that cold, cold Pacific at midnight…..moon that moon right back.

Curse God, love God, love your sisters, cry, hug, laugh until you think you might throw up….and then laugh some more.

Talk about your daughter, talk again and talk some more…..no one listens better than your sisters.

Sing Jimmy Buffet at the top of your lungs….top that off with Melissa Etheridge and the Steve Miller Band…..call it the Cougar Musical Trifecta.

Sit with a dog on your lap and a glass of wine in your hand.

Last but not least…..eat a corn dog and a funnel cake.

Get on that plane on Monday wondering why you’re so sore and wondering how you got those bruises on your leg. Sit on the plane laughing to yourself as you remember the weekend.

Sleep for two days.

No one said it would be easy but that’s power grief for you.

Thank you my Lovelies. Thank God for my Tribe.

Does it fit?

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief3 Comments

A couple years ago, I threw out all my tiny, revealing underwear.


I realize this is too much information.

It wasn’t that it didn’t really fit, just that it no longer fit my lifestyle. I was no longer the tiny, sexy underwear girl. I was more the practical, cover my entire hiney Fruit of the Loom type of lady.

My life is like my underwear.

It isn’t about what fits…I can fit myself into many, many things given the proper modes of support. But if it rides up in certain areas, if it makes me all squirrley and uncomfortable, it’s not worth it….no matter how cute the pink lace is. My life now is about what’s comfortable, whats makes me feel good, what makes me feel covered and supported.

After Samantha, I worried if my relationships based on Samantha would still be comfortable; would they still make me feel covered and supported? Even if the basis for the relationship was no longer there? Would I be uncomfortable? Would I try to fit into something that was no longer me?

Here I am with the Supermoms, after Samantha. It fits, it still feels good, the coverage and support is fabulous.

I am so very relieved 🙂

These pictures were taken during a Canvas and Cocktails evening fundraiser for our little friend Cici (the sweet little girl in my arms). It was wonderful to fit right in again….being part of the Fruit of the Loom….I think I’m the banana.