Month: September 2010

Bad Breakfast

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief6 Comments

Taboo, Sugary Cereal Day at work lead me to several interesting observations……


I really did bring Lucky Charms.

I haven’t had Lucky Charms since I was 8…..there might be a reason for this.

I walked into the cereal aisle looking for my marshmellowy delight and wondered where the heck it was. At eye level, I only found Special K, Corn Flakes and Fiber One, no sign of my little leprechaun.

And did you know, Lucky the Leprechaun was born in 1964 and has been magically delicious ever since?

I love the wide world of Web.

But I digress….

I couldn’t find Lucky and his Charms because all of the sugary cereal is located two feet above the cereal aisle floor; eye level for the wandering 4 year old. Seriously, next time you’re in the cereal aisle, look down two feet, it’s a crazy, cartoon, cereal party down there; Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, Pop, CocoPuffs, and that nutty Toucan…..all down there.

Crazy.

So I brought my Charms of Luck to work and continued to drink my coffee and helped myself to a bowl….because after all, they’re magically delicious!

Fifteen minutes later, my heart started palpitating, I couldn’t speak in complete sentences and I was skipping through the hallways singing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria. Clearly, I was suffering from a caffeine, Lucky Charms overload from only one bowl.

My only thought was they feed this to small children in the morning and then put them on a bus????!!!!

Thank God it now comes fortified with fiber and calcium.

But the marshmallows are now bigger so one negative probably cancels out the fiber positive.

I will probably wait another 32 years for another bowl of Lucky Charms….that leprechaun is quite naughty.

244 First Things First TV – "Mouse Trap"

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief1 Comment

There are many things going on in the life of Me but tonight I just needed a little chuckle……

So, I give you my lovely friend Heather Stewart and mouse bread.

Heather was the organizer of ‘The Newport Beach Cougar Extravaganza’.

I adore her and find her quite hilarious. The commentary here was typical of Newport weekend discussions…..that and a couple margaritas…..Lordy.

***Warning….do not try to watch this video while having a snack, breakfast, lunch or any bready item…..

Lucky Charms

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

Living with a child as sick as Samantha, the inevitable was in the back of my mind. I hated to think about what could happen, even though I knew the chances of that happening were a very true reality……


What would I do if we lost her????

I always thought I would turn to something dramatic and life changing…..I will live in Africa with the elephants…..I will work with children who have AIDS……I will work tirelessly at Children’s Hospital, consoling parents of terminal children……

Today I went back into the professional world. Surprisingly, I went back to the company I worked at before Samantha got sick.

I decided I didn’t want to work with the elephants……I want something familiar. I want to work with old friends at a job that I liked and I did well.

So I did just that.

Driving in today was a little bittersweet. For as demanding as being Samantha’s mom was, it was seamless and lovely. It will always be my favorite job.

Going back to work is a big step in moving forward….a big necessary step. I couldn’t watch another episode of Oprah, my sweats were starting to fray and I need a little structure and another focus in my life.

And now I have it.

I walked in today to hugs, smiles and comments of we are so happy you’re back. And I am too.

Tomorrow our group is having a breakfast meeting. We’re supposed to bring our favorite, taboo, sugary cereal.

I’m bringing Lucky Charms.


It is none of my business what other people think of me…..

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief8 Comments

But we still worry about it don’t we?


Well I do.

Which is actually kind of funny because I can be loud, somewhat opinionated and I know I have been known to offend.

Still worry about it.

And it bothers me that it bothers me.

I presented to a group of nurses a couple days ago on how to work effectively with parents who have chronically ill children. The discussion was lively and somewhat controversial but it got us all talking about how to work as a team…..talking is good.

I walked away empowered and feeling great.

And then I read the reviews……

“I’m so bummed,” I told hubbie. “Five people, 4% of the group disagreed with the material presented, my material.”

Hubbie laughed, “Only 4%? What did the other people think?”

“I guess they thought it was helpful.”

“95% isn’t bad.”

“Um…..96%…..but what did those five people think?” I asked. “Did I upset them? Did I say something wrong? Do they not like me? Why couldn’t I be 100%?” And then I laughed because I sounded slightly neurotic……only slightly.

Truth is, I never really wanted to know about those five people. It’s really none of my business what they thought of my presentation and given the nature of the conversation, they probably were offended. It’s hard to talk about how parents and nurses can collaborate better without getting a little emotional….we all have our stories.

Despite really wanting to sit down with those five people and hear their opinion, listen to what irked them, I am trying hard to let it go. Why focus on the bad evidence when the good evidence is good? Why spend precious brain time on this? People are going to like ya….or not and I guess it really is just none of our business…..

that’s what I’m telling myself.

Power Grief and Doritos

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

I’ve been off-line the last couple days……


I’ve been with my Garmisch sisters.

Pictures will be posted soon…..

And I have to say, if you have something you need to sort out in your life, if it be death, divorce, heartbreak, bankruptcy, in-grown toenails……go sit on a beach with your sisters.

Eat bags of Doritos and drink margaritas. To hell with yoga, aligning your chi, high cholesterol, counting calories…..throw it out the window, at least for the weekend.

Go sit on a beach, stare at the waves. Discuss important topics such as which sea bird would be the best to go drinking with?

The answer? A pelican (of course)

Howl, howl at the crazy moon. Go skinny dipping in that cold, cold Pacific at midnight…..moon that moon right back.

Curse God, love God, love your sisters, cry, hug, laugh until you think you might throw up….and then laugh some more.

Talk about your daughter, talk again and talk some more…..no one listens better than your sisters.

Sing Jimmy Buffet at the top of your lungs….top that off with Melissa Etheridge and the Steve Miller Band…..call it the Cougar Musical Trifecta.

Sit with a dog on your lap and a glass of wine in your hand.

Last but not least…..eat a corn dog and a funnel cake.

Get on that plane on Monday wondering why you’re so sore and wondering how you got those bruises on your leg. Sit on the plane laughing to yourself as you remember the weekend.

Sleep for two days.

No one said it would be easy but that’s power grief for you.

Thank you my Lovelies. Thank God for my Tribe.

Does it fit?

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief3 Comments

A couple years ago, I threw out all my tiny, revealing underwear.


I realize this is too much information.

It wasn’t that it didn’t really fit, just that it no longer fit my lifestyle. I was no longer the tiny, sexy underwear girl. I was more the practical, cover my entire hiney Fruit of the Loom type of lady.

My life is like my underwear.

It isn’t about what fits…I can fit myself into many, many things given the proper modes of support. But if it rides up in certain areas, if it makes me all squirrley and uncomfortable, it’s not worth it….no matter how cute the pink lace is. My life now is about what’s comfortable, whats makes me feel good, what makes me feel covered and supported.

After Samantha, I worried if my relationships based on Samantha would still be comfortable; would they still make me feel covered and supported? Even if the basis for the relationship was no longer there? Would I be uncomfortable? Would I try to fit into something that was no longer me?

Here I am with the Supermoms, after Samantha. It fits, it still feels good, the coverage and support is fabulous.

I am so very relieved 🙂

These pictures were taken during a Canvas and Cocktails evening fundraiser for our little friend Cici (the sweet little girl in my arms). It was wonderful to fit right in again….being part of the Fruit of the Loom….I think I’m the banana.

A Very Sweet Swing…..

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

It touches me to absolutely no end how many people are dedicated to the memory of our sweet girl.


She is constantly on my mind but I am her mom. She should be on my mind. What amazes me is that she is on the mind of so many others.

Do you remember Max? He was one of Samantha’s classmates and dedicated defender of her chair. Max’s mom, Rebecca and I have become good friends. On a July trip to Ikea, she offered to pick up a fabulous swing for Samantha for her birthday.

It is a wonderful swing……sadly, Lil’ Miss never got to use it.

So Rebecca thought it would be a good addition to Max and Samantha’s preschool.

Here is ‘Samantha’s Swing’ at the school…..

She made a button so the kids know who is swinging right there with them…

Carrie Martin preschool has dedicated the year to Samantha….

Rebecca makes these fabulous buttons and magnets and is quite talented; both her and daughter Caroline made this for Samantha’s birthday……

It’s a magnetic whiteboard that stands up on its own. She enclosed buttons with bright colors, animals and pictures of her friends. She thought it would be a good therapy/vision board for our girl.

Unfortunately we didn’t have a chance to meet up before Samantha’s birthday and she passed away just after. Rebecca thought I would like it anyway.

Like it? I love it. It would have been perfect, perfect for Samantha and it is good for my heart. I adore the buttons.

The other day she dropped off another very special button for us, it’s a magnet with Samantha’s signature picture….the one with her huge smile and crazy spiky hair…..just like the picture on the swing.

If love and thoughtfulness were something physical; a healing balm or potion, I feel like I could bathe in it.

Thank you for keeping her right there, right there in your hearts with us.

The Last Reading

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief3 Comments

There is one last reading I wanted to share from Samantha’s service. I wanted to space them out a bit because I think they can be a tad overwhelming….it can be hard to hear the words of parents and grandparents.

This is my letter to Samantha……

Dear Samantha,

From the time that pregnancy test registered a faint, tiny positive sign, you have been a gift to me; a reminder after Jack that life goes on, a continuation of our growing family, a chance for your daddy and me to be parents.

The day you were born, your daddy was so proud, he looked like he could eat you up. I’ve never seen a smile so big….he was holding sunshine, he was holding gold.

Being your mother, no matter how hard things have been has been the best thing I have ever done in my life.

“Are you Mom?” Doctors would ask when you were very sick.

“Yes, I am Mom.”

I am Mom….I am Samantha’s Mom. See that cute little cherub? See that gummy smile that would melt your heart? That is my child.

You are my child. And you are such a gift.

I hope you can see all of the people here for you today; family, friends, teachers, doctors, nurses therapists. You have touched the lives of all of these people. Without ever saying a word, by just being the person you are.

You taught us all patience. You taught us the power of hard work and perseverance. You taught us how to read the little subtleties in life. You showed us that the very best thing in life is that infectious smile, the power of a good, healthy day and the lovely simplicity of cuddling with you on a summer evening, rubbing your Buddha tummy and listening to you breathe.

You have made me a better person. You brought together a village. In a world where value is based on intelligence, power, athletic prowess and speed, you made us all slow down, celebrate tiny accomplishments and rub your buttery, peanut feet.

I love you Samantha. I love you with a fierceness I have never felt; a power that tried to move mountains, stop time and keep you here for just a little while longer. You are my child. You are my gift.

You left this world so quickly on Sunday. I know now that your quick departure was another gift you gave your daddy and me because no matter how sick you became, I would have never let you go. I would have held on forever just to sit by your bed, hold your warm hand, smell your perfect skin and watch those long, lovely eyelashes flutter. It is selfish I know, but when you are given a gift as perfect as you, you will hold on for eternity.

Thank you for being my daughter, for making me so proud, for being such a sweet child, a little girl so easy to love. Thank you for giving me this precious time, four short years to look in awe at the strong, determined Lil’ Miss you are.

I will miss you forever and hold you close in the deepest, safest, warmest chamber of my heart.

All my love and even more,

Your Mommy.

She is in the Wind

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief6 Comments

A couple weeks ago I went to Redfeather Lake with my friend Laura.


We took sleeping bags and laid out on the deck to watch the many, many stars. Our galaxy looks completely different outside of the city.

“Which star do you think she is?” I asked.

“She’s the bright one.” We laughed because every star out in Redfeather is bright.

We went hiking the next day and stared at the amazing panorama.

“She’s in the wind,” Laura said.

And just then, a little breeze blew through the trees. She was right there in the wind. We chuckled at the irony and told her we were happy to have her join us on our hike.

The wind is light, airy and travels the world.

We even found her in England

My cousin Lowrie sent this to me along with this note:

Our travels this past weekend took us to Beachy Head at the southeastern corner of England. It is part of the chalk cliffs along that part of the UK. We were 530 feet above the English Channel. Strong winds and beauty surrounded us. We seemed somehow nearer to Heaven and talked about Lance’s mom, my Dad, and sweet little Samantha!

There were little pieces of the rock making these incredible cliffs scattered on the ground. So, we gathered them and made a heart for Sam.

It is most certainly an awesome spot on this earth. . . . Huge cliffs yet very fragile and ever changing. Just like us, I guess!


I think Samantha would like England. I think she would like being on top of Stormy Peak in Redfeather. I think she would like traveling on the wind.