Chicken Carcass

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief3 Comments
It is a new year.

And I have made resolutions….to be more present, to write more, to determine what path will truly make me content, to do push ups……

And to stick to a budget.

I KNOW! Holy heck…..a budget.

And those who know me are gwaffing at the last resolution. 

I am not a saver. 

I am a spender. 

And I LOVE to be the ‘I GOT IT’ girl. You know…..the drinks come to the table and you whip out the Visa and say “Oh no, I got it.”

LOVE TO BE THAT GIRL. And I do it well.

And I married a Saver.

And last month we determined if we want that lovely yet modest home in mountains….perhaps I need to be less of the IT girl.

Poop. …I love being the it girl.

But I tackled a budget and in an effort to save money I tackled the pantry, the refrigerator and the freezer. 

Because I like to collect groceries, like I collect clothes and I collect bags….. Maybe it’s my fear of the zombie apocalypse….

The world is coming to an end but we have tuffle oil and Manchego!!!!

Really….we could still feed that small village in our house of two.

Tonight I came home, assessed the freezer, yanked out what I thought was pulled pork, put it in a pot and proceeded to make dinner.

Hubs came home, looked in the pot and said, “What’s for dinner?”

“I think I’m making pulled pork.”

He eyed the pot suspiciously. Because it did not look like pulled pork, it did not smell like pulled pork…

It smelled like chicken.  

I have a habit of collecting and freezing chicken parts in the hope that I will put the chicken parts together to make a lovely chicken stock for an amazing chicken soup. ….but at one point this year…before the budget, Hubs looked in the freezer and said, ‘it is a frozen chicken graveyard in this freezer.”

And so tonight, in the effort to determine what was in the freezer, I accidentally made chicken carcass for dinner.

Our chicky ended up in the garbage…which I do realize is a poor Memorial for something that has spent so much time in our household.

Dinner did finally include a lovely brisket with sautéed spinach.

How does this bode for 2014? It really doesn’t BUT: 
  • If it smells like a frozen chicken, it probably is a frozen chicken.
  •  When in doubt, throw it out
  • I don’t want to label people. But maybe I should label my chickens
  • I might not be the IT girl, but you can join me for some soup J
  • A clean freezer is less fowl
To 2014 

2014 is Calling

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It is a new year. 

I still hate push ups. 

It took me three weeks to feel normal after the flu. 

Christmas has come and gone and I now have only 11 ½ months to make this year extraordinary.

So far it is off to a good start. Did you know our work was mentioned in Denver’s Magazine 5280? You can find it here: http://www.5280.com/magazine/2013/12/cell-service
The North American Mitochondrial Disease Consortium? 

Only possible with money from Summits for Samantha. And the article came out on December 31st…..and I thought well, this is a good way to start the year.

So it begins. 

If you live in Colorado you know that marijuana is now legal. This happened on January 1, 2014. And if you don’t live in Colorado, I can tell you, for us Average Joe’s nothing has really changed. The mountain air stills smells of pine, not pot. And I have yet to use the phase Are you completely stoned??!!! With a co-worker, buddy or hubs….although now that I mention it, I might have to….just cuz.

I have finally watched Downton Abbey and realized it is not Downtown Abbey. Ah….the things I learn in 2014.

I have jumped on the Denver Broncos Bandwagon. I am not a huge football fan but I have decided that Peyton Manning is quite impressive. And for NOT being a huge football fan, I like watching him play. I’ve even started running around the office yelling ‘hurry hurry’!  Sadly, it hasn’t had the same effect…..chalk it up to another lesson of 2014.

I traveled last week to DC. I haven’t been on the road in months and love to going to DC. No matter what is going on in the government, visiting DC still makes me feel hopeful. I had an extra two hours before my plane and found myself…..

At the Holocaust Museum.

I have been wanting to go for a while….well wanting is not the right word. I have been intrigued about how one memorializes something so horrific….how such a tragedy can be explained, contained in a building, captured into four walls. And as my own search for resiliency continues, I am intrigued by those who have found it in the past.

I stood in line. A volunteer asked where I was from.

“Colorado,” I said.

“Well, that’s a long way away.”

“Yes,” I paused and cleared my throat. “I’m kind of scared to go in. I don’t know what to expect.”

“Well, it’s not an easy thing to talk about is it?”

“No, but it’s important.” 

And so I put on my 2014 big girl pants and went through the exhibit.

I have tried to put into words what I thought about the museum and I find it hard without sounding trite. Two images stay in my head…..the tiny train car used to transport people to the camps and the tiny Danish boat used to help people escape to Sweden…..a transport of despair and a transport of hope.

As I made my way to the end, there were stories of survivors, stories of resiliency, amazing, sad, hopeful, terrifying stories. And I thought, how did these survivors go on? How did they live a life after all of the death?

All I could draw on was our own experience, which pales in comparison but it was all I had. And I thought of the beauty we find in simple things; a sunrise, a sunset…..and the importance of having a voice and carrying on the story. The beauty, tragedy and irony of life continuing on.

And so hello 2014. 365 days….what will be taught, what lessons do you have to give? The first 12 have been…life….thoughtful, trivial, draining, enriching….life

I still do hate push-ups. 

The Rise and Fall of a Boot Camp Queen:

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I am not in the picture above. 

Because I hate push-ups. 

BUT….I signed up for Boot Camp. 


It was only three weeks. 

I have never taken a Boot Camp class before and quite honestly it scared me; all those push-ups, burpies and mountain climbers. But this class was only three weeks and I thought I could do anything for three weeks.

And I LOVED it! LOVED IT!

And quite honestly, I rocked it. I wasn’t the best one but I was kinda in the B+ range and I always like it when I’m above average.

I still can’t do push-ups….darn you push ups.

At the end of the class we all got in a circle and did a HOOYAH! I HOOYAH’ed all filled with my sweaty, stinky awesomeness.

On Sunday (after an awesome Boot Camp swim) I met my family to see my beautiful niece perform in the Nutcracker.

“You sound sick,” my mom said.

“Nah, it’s just a tickle.”

IT WAS THE TICKLE FROM HELL!

 By 9:00, I was coughing up a storm and checked myself into the guest bedroom.

Monday morning, I knew I would not partake in Boot Camp awesomeness, or work, or anything productive. I was coughy, feverish, sneezy, and the body that felt so strong and capable on Sunday, could barely make it to the couch.

Poop.

I was sick.

I think of Samantha all of the time but it’s times when I’m sick that I think about how she felt….how it was to feel sick….a lot.

The last time I thought about this was on a United Commuter plane to Minnesota with a raging Urinary Tract Infection.

There is only one bathroom on a United Commuter Plane….and it is very small. And it was muy ocupado on that flight.

By me.

I got off the plane and b-lined it to the information desk to ask for the nearest Urgent Care Center.
TMI, right?

But the whole time I talked to Samantha….Oh Sweet Girl…I am so sorry you had these horrible infections. If you can help Mommy get to her rental car without passing out, she would be most grateful

And she helped. And I did not pass out. And antibiotics are a wonderful thing.

Yesterday, I crawled to the couch and pulled up the covers and thought of my girl. I felt sooooo weak. So devoid of energy and I wondered if was remotely what our Mito friends feel. 

I also realized I was stinky.

So I mustered up my strength to take a shower. Mind you shower only. I was so tired there was no shaving of legs, no shampooing of hair, conditioner was OUT of the question. If this continued, I would have to be the Christmas Yeti.

Hubs reminded me that there is no Christmas Yeti.

Darn it.

There should be a Christmas Yeti.

As I snoozed for another hour, I thought of those I know and love with energy diseases. I KNEW when Samantha was low on energy, I could see it in her eyes, her complexion. And those days, she just wanted to cuddle.

And I know adults who struggle with this disease. I thought of Olivia Sue, one of our adults with mito….and kids…..and she posts pictures on Facebook of the tree she decorated while on oxygen wearing her Santa hat, make up and looking beautiful. Because, energy or not, life goes on and a tree needs to be decorated…. God Bless her.

I did not decorate the tree wearing a Santa hat. I don’t think I own a Santa hat. But I might need one now.
I can pretend to know what my Girl went through.

But I don’t know.

And it’s not until I get sick that I can at least appreciate that I do not know what my Girl went through, or what Olivia Sue goes through as she decorates the tree, or how our other beloved mito kiddos and adults go through. Being sucked of your energy sucks.

So, I missed my last week of Boot Camp. But tonight I can get off the couch without cursing the Gods of Influenza……well maybe I give a tiny curse.

And I am reminded once again of what the incredible people we help are up against….to those, I cannot pretend to know what your day is like. But you are braver, stronger and much more persistent than I am…you are a bazillion burpies and two bazillion push-ups in one. And not the knees-on-the-floor push-ups….the real ones.  

HOOYAH. 

Karate Sticker

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Welcome Christmas. 

You snuck up behind that Turkey, why yes you did, all dancy and prancy with your Elf-on-the-Shelf and Christmas cheer. And now you are here, all lit and glittery. You are here. 

And what to do with you. And where to spend my energy with you. 

Yesterday, I volunteered at Children’s Hospital with the Bereavement Program. They organize an evening for families in their first year of loss. Families are asked to make luminaries in memory of their child.  

I came early. As I laid out chocolate cupcakes with Santa faces, I talked to the Children’s Pastor, who I like quite a lot. 

“Now Bob, I’m not going to cry am I?” 

He stole a sugar cookie. “No, no crying.” 

“You PROMISE?” 

“Yes,…..No, no promises. Wow, those are good cookies.” 

Families filtered in and were given brown paper bags to decorate. Some came alone, some came with children, some came with friends. 

Some came stoically, some came with tears in their eyes. 

And they decorated those bags. 

The tables were covered with different types of stickers. Our job was to help them find the stickers they needed to decorate the bags. 

Easy task right? 

Oh no. 

When a grieving mama is looking for a red ball sticker and she can’t find a red ball sticker, you will move hell and earth to find that red ball sticker. 

And it can’t be a croquet ball, or a balloon that looks like a ball. It needs to be a ball. 

And I GOT it . I couldn’t help with anything…..I couldn’t make anything better but gosh darn it!  I could find a red ball. 

A Grandfather came up looking for a karate sticker. And I searched frantically for a damn karate sticker. 

A mama came up with tears in her eyes looking for ladybugs. “How old was she?” I asked.

“Two and a half”

I went outside, gazed at the Christmas lights and cried. It was a short cry…..no ugly cry but enough to dab a tear or too. 

I found Bob and gave him a nudge in the ribs. “You said I wouldn’t cry.” 

“It’s a lot of sad energy,” Bob said. “First Christmases are so hard.” 

“You SAID I wouldn’t cry.”  

“Here, have a cookie.” 

“Doesn’t help.” 

“Apple Cider?” 

I stayed later and spoke with some of the families. 

I believe in an afterlife and I think someone, something, some energy was there to greet Samantha as she journeyed on. 

And I think in this journey through grief here in this world, someone needs to greet you and tell you it will be okay….well not okay….it sucks my stinky big toe but at least, at least, I will find a karate sticker for you.

Or maybe not….I’m making this up as I go.  

We Are Good. We Have Plenty

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I do like Thanksgiving. 

I find it the simpler of holidays….a holiday focused around a meal, gratitude, family….. 

Hubs and I went to Virginia to visit my Mama-in-Law. The flight is long, the drive is long….time to think…the visit is relaxing and instead of Black Friday shopping, I thought about what I am grateful for. 

I post a lot about gratitude and I do mean it- Our family and friends are like oxygen to me but if I said that the holidays don’t get to me a bit, I would be lying. I would love our family to be different. 

but we are not

and so I search for simpler things to make me grateful: 

1. Pink sunrises and sunsets: 
Times when the world is illuminated in pink are the times when I know my girl is watching over me. In Colorado, there are times when the entire horizon is enveloped in pink. I look up, take a deep breath, and thank her

2. People over 80: 
I spent this vacation with the most interesting people; one who was a secretary during the Nuremberg trails, another who spent time with Lindbergh (she commented that he was a crazy driver). So many stories, so much life, I ate it up with a spoon. We talked about life and ate pie. These 80+ women were the Cat’s Pajamas. 

3. Cats Pajamas: 
Just ‘cuz

4. I am happy I can read: 
14% of us in the US cannot. Think about that book that you treasure and how it changed your life. 

5. My body: 
HA! Because I never scrutinize it the mirror 🙂 

As I get older it is less about my pouchy belly but more that I am thrilled to have legs that will take me up a mountain and down a mogul field. It is not perfect but it works and I am happy everyday for my beating heart, my breathing lungs and my gigantic you-can-feed-a village-thighs

6. My job: 
I do like my job, my company and the people I work with

7. Our nieces and nephews: 
My goodness, how we adore you. And what a thrill it is to see the oldest become a good man, the youngest smile and the joy you ALL bring our families. That….. and you still think I’m cool or let me think I think I’m cool. I love you. 

8. My Babies:
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You will always be the best thing I have ever, ever done 

9. Hubs: 
Yeah…..you’re pretty good. It’s not until you walk through hell and back that you realize who you want to walk through hell and back with

10. I am grateful to this life: 
To this journey. We are here only briefly. What will we do? Will we lament how we have been robbed? or will we look for the pink in the sunset? 

As I set the Thanksgiving table we talked…..do we need to carve more turkey? Do you need more rolls? Stuffing? 

The response? We are good. We have plenty. 

Positive Psychology

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My last post was September 29th. 


Today is November 17th……

SSSSLLLLLAAAAACCCCCKKKKEEEERRRR

After I don’t post for a while, I feel the need to post something really substantial, because after all, I’ve been thinking about things to write about for 7 weeks but  I can’t get my act together. Or maybe I could get my act together but it was more fun to……

Go to Mexico

Visit Friends in Arizona

Or cuddle with Hubs. OR cuddle with Hubs in Mexico! 

All of which are things I have done in the last 7 weeks. But I have thought about what to write….what to write….what to write…..

In October I presented to a group of grieving parents at TCH. And I thought, who am I and why would someone want to hear our grief story. What pulls us together, what draws us apart in this journey? 

My Dad came to my presentation and sat in the front row. He laughed at my jokes which I appreciated because a group of grieving parents don’t always want to laugh….they mean to but grief has taken their laugh. 

Grief is a selfish, thieving bastard. 

It is a bad thing to have your laugh taken away. You have to find it, search for it protect it and make sure it has a voice. 

As a couple navigating through grief, people give you things. A friend gave us the video, This Emotional Life, a three part PBS special on what makes us human. 

It took us three years to get through the 3 part video. 

I kid you not. 

On Saturday, we had a dinner party with our friends. We thought it poor form to have a video for three years so on Friday, Hubs and I sat down and watched the last segment. 

It was about resiliency.

My favorite topic. 

As humans we are so stinkin’ resilient if we choose to be. 

The video also talked about Positive Psychology which Wikipedia defines as:Positive psychologists seek to find and nurture genius and talent and to make life more fulfilling.  

The longer I am on this earth, the more I realize we are all broken and have some depth of pain. We can focus on the pain, ignore it or we can try, try, try to turn it into something positive.

My Dad went to see my session on Grief. A week later I attended a fundraiser he spoke at for the Mental Health Center of Denver. After the presentation, I spoke with one of the doctors who talked about a recent trip to Rwanda and village where 50% of babies born died. 

He thought it would be very, very sad to be in such a place. But instead he found joy and easy smiles of the people in this village; the love of life for the people in it and the precious time they shared. 

Hmmm resilient, hopeful, grateful. 

The video we finally finished on Friday evening mentioned training of the brain to be positive….if we worked our brain to be positive the way athletes worked their bodies to be strong, we would be in a much better place. 

As we approach the Holiday Season, I leave you with a Super-Cheese quote from the great musical White Christmas….I will try and live by this in my new positive psychology plan 🙂

When I’m worried and cannot sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep 
Counting my blessings

Thanks Bing and Rosemary….sheep are noisy and kinda stinky. 


Resilient

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Resilient: Capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture

Psychological resilience is an individuals tendency to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state …

I like the first definition the best. Many times I feel like I may rupture 🙂 And I am quite sure I have developed a permanent deformation. 

The last couple weeks I have been privy to a lot of resilient human beings. Nothing makes me more proud of us, as a people, as human beings than the ability to carry on, make the best of things and live our lives with the goal of being happy, especially in the face of adversity. 

We have had these horrible floods. And I have been amazed at the outpouring of generosity in our area AND the resiliency of those who have been affected….. I work with several people who will be displaced for the next couple months, and they come into work, and they attend meetings and if you ask, they will talk about the flood and that they went to the Red Cross for a toothbrush and some new undies and they are crashing on a friends floor....but hey, it’s all good……and when did you need that project? 

And I want to fall at their feet and say Work doesn’t matter! Let me make you a tater tot hot dish! 

But they are gluten and dairy free and tater tot hot dishes don’t convert well to gluten free. So I don’t say what I should say, except that they are resilient superheros. 

Speaking of resilient Superheros, last week was Mitochondrial Awareness Week and we had a support group on Saturday. I love seeing the parents, the kiddos and the hope they have in the face of an ever-changing, craptastic diagnosis. 

That does not stop these families. 



We made thank you cards for our Courage Classic Donors


This is Robert on his bike…..he does an amazing job on this bike! 


Robert likes his bike so much he let Cal try it out. I think Cal liked it too! 

 
 
This is my favorite picture. It was a good day. 
 
This week ended with a visit to Maria and Jacob at Children’s. Jacob has been so sick this week and Maria is so tired. But there was no sense of pity from her, only a sense of moving forward, getting Jacob better: Resilient: withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture
And today I met a new baby brought into this world by a couple who has shown extraordinary resiliency.
 
“The difference between a strong man and a weak one is that the former does not give up after a defeat.” 
― Woodrow Wilson
To the people in my world, who keep marching on…..keep marching on. 

South of the Big Thompson

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You made have heard the news in Northern Colorado…..

It has been raining up here for five days.

Our mountain town of Lyons has been evacuated. Towns up the Big Thompson River are gone, 177 people are unaccounted for, people are now displaced, potentially for weeks. They say this has been the largest air rescue since Katrina.

And..it.. is…still….raining…..

Hubs and I are fine except for the fact that in situations like these I worry excessively. And then I listen to KBCO and songs like Sting’s ‘Fragile’ come on. Have you listened to the words? Good lord….

On and On the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are

I hate sad songs that have relevance to the situation…and I get all weepy.


And it is still raining. For a while this week our little town of Loveland was split in two. The Big Thompson overflowed cutting off North/South access throughout town. Interstate 25 closed because the Big Ol’ T also decided to flow onto the road and into Weld county- cutting off access into Denver and Wyoming. South of us is Longmont, divided by two full flooding rivers that are wrecking havoc and causing evacuations.

West? West is worst. West is where all of the airlifts are taking place.

I have never been in this situation before. So did what every trapped, weepy, worried, can’t-do-anything-about-it person does.

I went to the grocery store.

Unbeknownst to me, this was the only accessible grocery store in South Loveland. Everything else was North of the Big T and cut off to us. Clearly poor planning. 

This is what I found: 

e 


Hubs and I have contemplated getting a diesel…..hmmmmmm


And Starbucks was closed ……NNNNOOOOOOO…. As I was taking this picture, some surly man told me maybe I should go home and brew my own coffee. I told him this we were in the middle of a national disaster and he should not be hatin’

Yeah. No, I really didn’t say that but kinda wanted to. Life is wild South of the Big T. 

This is the bread aisle at King Soopers! Look at that one little loaf all alone! Apparently Rye Bread is a last choice. Ya’ll don’t know what you’re missing! Turkey on Rye? Fabu! 

 

No Milk for you! 




This is the bottled water aisle. Hmmmm….we might have to drink beer…..


Or Perrier! Apparently us South of the Big T prefer our water without bubbles! 


Good news is I-25 opened Saturday and we can now get our bread without rye and our water without bubbles.  

Bad news is that it is still raining (have I mentioned this???) and our fellow Coloradans are hurting and in bad shape….Help Colorado and the Red Cross are taking donations, toiletries, blankets, etc. 
If you can give….hot meal, hot shower….clean clothes…..
  
And ya’ll can come over to our place for a Turkey on Rye and Perrier! 

Stay dry my friends.

You Got the Love

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There is a Florence and the Machines song that I rock out to quite often. 

The lyrics go like this: 

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

This is my mantra lately. 

‘Cuz I gotta tell ya, 
Ya’ll got the love. 

Thursday was our Miracles for Mito Silent Auction and in case ya’ll are wondering what we have been doing this past year, here’s a breakdown: 

Financial help for two handicap vans
One Stair lift
One Scooter
Respite Care
Travel expenses to see a Specialist out of State
Meals delivered to families in the hospital
Supplement coverage
Sponsorship into the National Mitochondrial Database
Purchase of the Oxygraph 2K Diagnostic Machineis 

This was only possible because of all of you and your generosity. 

I was quite weepy the week before- as I get when I think of everything our tribe has given….




This is the rocking horse my uncle made and donated…. It is the best rocking horse ever! 




And our fabu, collectors item New Belgium bike donation by our dear Susan and Andy….


Me and Hubs….I didn’t donate him 🙂 


Heather, Heather and Hilary! Hilary managed the event and lovely Heather volunteered. Thank you!!!


Mama and Hilary 🙂


SOOOO much stuff! So generous! 

Add caption

Our beautiful Mito Superstars


Lovely friends who have met because of our Mito kids. 



Me and the Prez 🙂 As a side note, I TOTALLY kidnapped that necklace. I bid on it but decided I would ‘model’ it before the bidding closed. 

This night….THIS NIGHT….I could have floated on the love and hope in the air. The money donated will continue to support our families.

And it is all because of you all. 

You got the Love




I am Sad about Syria

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It’s our favorite Sunday ritual.

Hubs and I sleep in. 

We have breakfast and a pot of coffee and watch ‘Meet the Press’. Sometimes we argue with the TV, the commentators, or each other while we eat our egg sandwiches and prep for the week. 

Today they talked about Syria. 

And I cried. My God, those pictures kill me. They physically cause me pain…the uncovered feet… 

This is not a political post. I don’t care where you sit on this issue politically. 

Where do you sit as a person? At what point in time do we say, as a breathing, thinking, moral person, this is horrific, unacceptable and awfully sad?

1,400+ people were gassed. It is gravest chemical attack in 25 years. Do you know how long that was? I was 17.

And I have no solution. Boots on ground? Military strike? I have no idea. 

But I know I am sad. 

And I think it is okay for us, as a society, to be sad, to voice our sadness, and not have any solution at all. 

We don’t always have the answers. 

This, by the way is why I’m not president, or a member of the congress, so I can just be sad without a solution. Because I could totally be president.

Totally. 

And it’s not to say I was sad the whole day. I shed tears over my coffee and went onto have a lovely day. 

Perhaps that is what living with a grief you cannot solve does to you. Everyday I am sad about a situation I cannot solve. I am sad about my daughter….not all day everyday….but at sometime during the day, there is a pang I cannot heal. 

We cannot solve what happened on August 21st. It is out of our control. But we can react, as compassionate people and voice that this is wrong. Even if we only talk to friends and family, we recognize that the inhumanities of the world make us hurt. They hurt. 

And I think that’s okay. Maybe I, .as a free-thinking person can say this is wrong, this is so wrong it hurts my soul. And maybe we talk about it…. that’s all I know what to do….and maybe that’s okay