I used to write for a couple Mom Blogs before we lost Samantha. 

After we lost Samantha and after I missed a couple blog posting dates, I explained to my favorite editor that I could no longer write for Mommy Blogs. 

“I don’t have anything to contribute,” I said, “no one wants to come to a Mommy blog for support and read how worse it could be.” 

“Well maybe they SHOULD read it,” my always-optimistic editor said. 

“I don’t want to subject a new mom to our experience unnecessarily, I don’t want to scare her.” 

And so my lovely editor let me go and I thanked her.

Because it IS scary. Our story is frightening. And the last thing a new mom needs to hear is, “well it could be worse….and let me tell you how bad it could be.  

In the realm of what is helpful to hear and what is not, our story hits the top ten unhelpful. 

This week was hard, unexpectedly hard. I gear myself up for the biggies; Samantha’s birthday, Christmas, Jack’s birthday, even Halloween. 

I forgot one……Back to School……

Back to School, you relentless un-holiday, you poster of cute first and second graders in their back-to-school outfits. 

Crap. 

What comes along with Back to School is Back to School stories around work. People are late because it’s back to school. Kiddos are meeting teachers, new classes, new friends, LOTS of anxiety and stories around a usually business centered office. 

I listened a lot and I turned my ipod on a lot. 

Here is what bereaved parents go through……

We LOVE your kids. We love you. And we want to hear stories about your kids.  But we cannot listen without comparing, without feeling a tad jealous, grieving and without secretly wishing that this conversation be over.

But we can’t. This week we live in a Back to School World and it was all back to School. 

At one point a co-worker said, “I’m sorry, this is hard isn’t it?” 

And I could have put her in my back pocket and carried her around  for recognizing how hard it was to hear about back-to-school drop off that morning. 

So I put on my Big Girl Panties and wrangled through the rest of the week. 

Until I made a HUGE mistake. 

Although I no longer write for Mommy Blogs, I still subscribe to them. On Friday, I found myself opening a blog called “Motherhood, The Big Fat F*ck You.” 

And I read it….I don’t always have the best judgement. 

And I got mad….as I knew I would reading a post called Motherhood, The Big Fat F*ck You. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was about feeling unappreciated as a mom and stressed out about Back to School. 

And I wondered, How do stressed out parents of children, who need to vent and Bereaved Parents, who wish nothing more than to be totally, completely stressed out about their kiddos……How do they get along?

My genius answer? 

I have no clue. 

Perhaps it is a sense of perspective….perhaps from both sides. A couple months ago, a new mom cried at lunch because her baby had been sick; she was sleep deprived and  absolutely spent. 

We met later while picking through Jelly Bellys in the break room. “I’m sorry this has been hard.” I said. 

And she started to cry. “I am such an asshole,” she said. “This will pass, it’s nothing like what you have been through and I feel like such an asshole.” 

I gave her a hug, told her she was not an asshole (my goal is really NOT to make people feel like a-holes) and we picked  out the green apple Jelly Belly’s together. 

But that moment for both of us, that moment of recognition, was so very important. 

I’m not sure how it works. I know my friends….my Moms and not Moms who have stuck by me through this crazy grievous process, who have asked the hard questions and stuck around for the hard answers….are worth their weight in gold. 

And Mommy Blogs? I am banned from Mommy Blogs, perhaps for every one’s best interest. 

And I think that might be okay. 

Adios July…..

Hasta la Vista!

Au Revoir!

Tschuss!

Sayonara!  

July is my emotionally schizophrenic month. Somehow the emotional landmarks of my life all seem to deposit themselves in July. All I can do is hold on, navigate through the bad and absorb the good…absorb it like Vicks Vapor Rub 

Here is my July calendar: 

July 1: We gave birth to, and lost Jack
July 18th: Samantha’s birthday
July 20th-22nd: The Courage Classic
July 25th: The day we lost Samantha

I also have two Non-Profit Conferences in July on the East Coast….just to make things a little fun. 

And it’s hard to separate the good from the bad. The money we have raised from the Courage Classic is amazing. But it has been born from the fact that Samantha had a terminal disease. 

And so we hold on and ride the July ride…..

On July 16th, I started crying to a song called Florida, Georgia Line, otherwise known as Cruise. Here are some of the lyrics: 

“She was sippin’ on a Southern and singin’ Marshall Tucker
We were falling in love in the sweet heart of summer
She hopped right up into the cab of my truck and said,
Fire it up, let’s go get this thing stuck.” 

WHAT is emotional about those lyrics???!!!!

Nothing. But it brought me to tears, blinding tears on the way to work. The lyrics aren’t even GOOD! 

This is emotional roulette we play in July. 

And in between honoring my babies;  friends and family donate, come up to Copper, ride 156 miles in the Colorado Rockies and raise $82,000 in the memory of Samantha. 

$82,000 so far!!!!

MMMYYYYY Goodness!!!! More tears. 

Here I am on the ride

It is a three day tribute to Love. Love for my daughter, support and love for our family…as my dad says in the middle of July, “Thank God for the Courage Classic!” 

Indeed. 

Here is a video….little preview of the amazing weekend we had: 
https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10201195395600090

I cannot thank our supporters, riders, donors enough. You keep my heart beating in July. 

tum-tum, tum-tum, tum-tum…..hear that? That’s my heart, beating in July.

As July ended, I found myself in DC at a conference. The opening speaker is one of my favorite authors, Cheryl Strayed who wrote Wild. 

Wild is about her path, hiking on the Pacific Coast Trail after her mother died. It is her journey through Grief. Oprah picked it up and started her book club again, starting with Wild.

Here we are bonding- I told her briefly of our story and how her journey spoke to me. 

Today our first born, Jack Jorgenson Schichtel would have been eight. 

Eight! 

Crazy. 

But today is not my hardest day.

Yesterday was my hardest day. It was yesterday, eight years ago that we learned our baby, that we came into the hospital to give birth to, had no heartbeat but still somehow needed to get out of my belly. 

Yesterday, eight years ago, was quite awful.

But yesterday…yesterday…..Hubby and I got up at 4:45 in the morning and packed up our bikes to ride Idaho Springs to Arapaho Basin. At 5:30 we were in the truck, bikes in the back and coffee cups in hand. As we watched the sun rise, I patted his leg. 

“Eight years ago today really sucked,” I said. 

“Yeah,” he said. “No matter how hard today is. It will never be as hard as that day.” 

Nope, I thought, It never will. I could climb Loveland Pass 1,000 times.

But I felt so grateful, that in some crazy way, we were riding out our grief together. 

So we rode. And every once in a while I would think “Wow, at this point, eight years ago, we knew Jack had died.” or “Wow, eight years ago, I was checked into the hospital.” 

But most times I thought “Wow, today this bike group is kicking my butt.”  

Or “Wow, Loveland Pass at this point of view looks really high.” 

Or, “My thighs really stinkin’ hurt.” 

Because I’ve I said before, thighs yell louder than grief when they are really, really angry.

And so we rode, Hubs and I, up to Loveland Pass: 

Today, we woke up and kissed each other. 

“Happy Jack’s Birthday.” 

Tonight we celebrated….

I have a ring that is a frog (Jack’s animal) he came along with us and enjoyed some creme’ brulee. 

And we talked about little signs that our kiddos are still around….two doves in the garden, a callous on my hand that looks like a heart, a crazy fledgling robin that won’t leave our yard……I KNOW, I’m a freak…but this is what I need to hear the night of Jack’s eighth birthday.

Grief is hard. Sometimes you need to climb a mountain and eat some creme’ brulee with a frog. 

The best part is to celebrate in some crazy way, with Hubs. For that, I am forever grateful. 

Happy Birthday Dear Boy. 

54 year old Joel Westbrook lives with adult onset Mitochondrial Disease. I am grateful for his words and his willingness to be a Lodgepole Pine.

Here is Joel’s post from our MFM site.

Thank you Joel.

I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie. 

Not super over the top but I tend to rush into things that make me feel good, make my heart beat fast, make me feel like I am alive. 

But the biggest rush I get? 

Raising money for our charity, Miracles for Mito. 

I KNOW……how super cheesy is that? 

Super, duper cheese with a side of cheddar. But I love it. I love it more than a crystal, clear, knee deep powder day….(for those non-skiers, this is a deep snow day. I wasn’t going to post that but if you  didn’t know ski jargon, that comment might seem odd….but I digress, as usual)

Nothing makes me feel more alive, nothing makes me feel like in this crazy world, with our craptastic circumstances, that some good can come from something. 

Last week, we had our Miles for Mito Run/Walk at my company. I am blessed to work at a great place with great people. 120 people came out to raise money for our non-profit. 

We ran, walked, raised money, ate ice cream and enjoyed a lovely spring day. 

At the start line: 

It has been a busy evening.

I have unfriended two people on Facebook.

TWO! I am out of control.

I have somehow managed to acquire 503 friends. People who put up with my silliness, my rantings, my crazy thoughts, liberal, non-profit antics and blog posts.

And I thank you for that. I know I am not perfect nor am I always right….as much as I would like to think I am.  

I did the math (even though I was an English major) and to unfriend 2 people out of 503 leaves me with an ‘unfriend’ average of .3%.

I’m okay with .3%. Think about it. If you had a gathering and only .3% of your invitees were inappropriate, you would think that was a successful gathering!

And I do find my .3% a success.

We have quite a lot to process in our world today. Which leads to a lot of opinions and a lot of voices. 

I do think just because we have a voice, a keyboard and opposing thumbs, we should not always use them. 

One of tonight’s unfriending compared abortion to Newtown….that we are so outraged about Newtown but still have legalized abortion.

I did not lose a child in Newtown.

But I have lost two children who were very wanted, anticipated and loved.

I have never had an abortion….thank goodness.

But I thought how dare this person? How dare this person take a political agenda based on a tragedy? I thought how I would feel as a Newtown parent to read this comparison.

And so I unfriended. And that was okay.

And I thought, maybe

Just maybe…

We should save political agendas based on tragedies to those and only those who have gone through that tragedy. In return, I will never give you advice on how to parent your teenager.

To mind our manners before we post something.

We never know the absolute, mind-shattering impact until we walk a mile or perhaps run a marathon, in someone else’s shoes.

.3%…..only .3% but they are so very noisy.

It has been a whopper of a week. Boston has rocked our world, wondering if there is ever a safe place.

And our Senators have rejected further background checks for gun ownership.
I am not against people owning guns. But I do think if I need a credit check for a credit card, a background check for a job and a drivers license for Sudafed, I should need a back ground check for a gun.

Have you ever shot a gun?  My liberal toting tushie has and I must say, that gun holds a lot of power.

And Boston….who has shown us that you do not need a gun to cause unfathomable damage.

So complex. So much emotion.

Everyday I get up and I go to work.
But I love my job. And I love what I do on the side. I work with non-profits, I manage a non-profit and it is times like this that I am reminded of the importance of good.

Doing is good is good. It is good for society but almost selfishly, it reminds us that the bad will not over ride what the good is doing. It cannot, we are better than that.

Along that theme, here is our 2013 Courage Classic Video- reminding us of the good we can do:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcDo6NY8ros

So whatcha gonna do? To feed your soul? To remind yourself that so many of us want to do good. And to spread the good, the hope and the love. We are so much better than what makes the news.

Whatcha gonna do?

Have you seen Facebook today? It is exploding with this flag: