Beach Love

My friend Cora sent this to me…..

Along with this message….

I’ve included as an attachment a picture of something we made at the beach in memory of your beautiful daughter. Made with some of the many shells at the beach, it struck me that even the broken shells and the simplest shells at the shore are creations of exquisite beauty, with their own stories to tell…..

Lil’ Miss has left a ginormous void in our world. But these thoughts and messages of love are little sprinklings of life…


we might just be okay….because of you all, we might just be okay.

Pilgrimage




El Santuario de Chimayo receives almost 300,000 visitors a year and has been called “no doubt the most important Catholic pilgrimage center in the United States.”

During holy week alone, 30,000 people make the pilgrimage… many walk from Albuquerque; 90 miles away.

We chose to drive from Taos but that didn’t make the journey any less exciting.

We started out journey at 3:30 giving us two hours before our dinner reservations.

But we got lost…..

quite lost.

I think it might be a requirement that any place worthy of a pilgrimage must be out of the way, difficult to find and on several curvy mountain roads leaving one quite green and slightly nauseated upon arrival.

It was a beautiful drive…..I know this because I was very focused on the horizon in order to prevent a pre-pilgrimage bout of car sickness.

At 5:30 we were still in car. We were on the right road but stuck in construction traffic.

Our dinner reservations were at 5:30 and the sanctuary closed at 6:00.

I was cranky, nauseous and my mother was driving.

“Forget it,” I said. “We don’t need to go to the church. Let’s just go to dinner. I need a margarita.”

“You need to go to the church. We need holy dirt.”

My mother is not Catholic. My mother is Lutheran…..and not a very good one at that. BUT my mother is a very spiritual person and the Chimayo Sanctuary is a very spiritual place and the dirt at Chimayo is known for it’s healing, miraculous properties.

My mother is also very determined.

We bounced up the dirt road and into the sanctuary at 5:45. I ran up to the doors, stopped at the entrance and took a deep breath….we made it.

Inside are photos, prayers, crutches and pictures of those healed by the Chimayo earth. Candles lit the parameter. I picked up a candle for Samantha and sat down to say a prayer.

Odd, I don’t quite know what to pray for anymore.

And so I sat there….waiting for something inspirational to hit me….perhaps waiting for a miracle.

And then the lights went out.

Perhaps I should pray that I do not get locked in for the night.

Apparently El Santuario de Chimayo closes at 5:55, not 6:00.

I found Mom in the holy dirt room. Holy dirt room is an adobe room with a hole in the floor where you can scoop out the blessed dirt. The church replaces 30 tons of blessed dirt a year.

Some people eat the dirt. Some people rub themselves in it. Some people take it home and place it in their blessing bowl for good juju.

Mom was in the dark of the room, filling a baggie with holy dirt.

“Mom,” I said. “I think we have plenty.”

“You have friends who might need this.”

Why yes, yes we do.

We made it out of the dark of the room to find the front door locked from the outside. For as lovely as the sanctuary is, I really didn’t want to spend the night. Fortunately a very nice watchman let us out.

We joined the rest of our ladies for a much needed margarita.

Santa Fe

I am posting from Santa Fe….

I left hubby in Loveland to hold the house down and water the garden….

I am using this time as a soul-searching, time-to-contemplate couple of days.

Today I walked out to the pool, sat in the sun and read a book.

I also watched the clouds and would look for faces and images in the sky; some I liked and some I didn’t, some seemed menacing and some comforting but they all changed as the wind blew in….

all the images changed.

I miss her and keep searching for her in simplest of places…a flower, a butterfly, an image in a cloud, a smell.

The finality of what we have lost is starting to settle in.

Courage Rides On……

Here are some things you should know…

I did not ride the Courage Classic.

Samantha’s memorial service was on that Saturday and I did not have the heart or the energy to ride Sunday or Monday.

But her team did….

Our team, pre-ride at the memorial picnic

Helmets and just a reminder of WHY they are riding up Freemont Pass

I LOVE that they rode. And I love the thought, enthusiasm and love they put into riding in memory for our girl.

Fully decked out….
This picture just gets to me…..the power and devotion of our team….our Team Samantha. What would we do without you all???
Even Grandpa Jim wore full pink and green Samantha bling….and he looked good 🙂

Up Freemont Pass

Here are some other things you should know….Summits for Samantha consisted of 7 members.

As a team, we raised over $9,000 for Children’s Hospital; over $1,000 per member. We raised the largest amount for teams under 10.

Over $4,000 was raised in Samantha’s name.

A big shout out to Jessie in Germany who raised $700.00….she started taking donations from our wonderful people in Garmisch.

And a shout out to you all….$9,000 is very,very impressive.

Thank you…..see you on Freemont Pass next year????


Hands


Last week I got a call from the Douglass County Coroner. It’s not a call you get everyday so I answered it.


“Mrs. Schichtel? We have plaster molds of Samantha’s hands. Would you like them?”

Would I like them? They’re imprints of my daughters hands. Yes please I would like them. Please put them in the safest place possible….like the place where you hide diamonds, the gold, silver, the secret key to the private bathroom.

“Oh yes, I would like them.”

I decided there was no way I would put the post office in charge of precious hands…no offense but I’ve seen what they do to my Crate and Barrel catalog.

So last Tuesday I loaded up the car with just me….which is still very weird and kind of sad…for just me and my purse to get in the car. I drove to Castle Rock, walked past the t-shirts and picked up her hands.

I couldn’t make it out of the building without stopping twice to look at the imprints.

Her hands…..her hands are just the most perfect thing ever. I waited until our anniversary to present them to hubby. They now sit in his office….her lovely, fabulous imprints of her lovely, fabulous hands.

We had no idea the coroner’s office was going to do this. What a precious surprise.

Right hand



Left hand

Priceless….

Happy Anniversary

Who are these people???

One day and six years ago, hubby and I said ‘I do‘.

It was such a fun day.

Six years later, I wondered how we would be…..there’s been a lot of sadness but there’s also been some wonderful times. Ironically, I feel closer and more in love with this man than I did six years ago.

He’s a good guy.

Happy Anniversary Hubby 🙂

Pop’s post

This is what my dad wrote for Samantha:

I am Sam – Sam I am
I know your sad about my fate
But I am Sam, let’s celebrate
Cause everyone that saw me knew
That I was special, just like you

I could paint and I could sing
I could do most anything
And all my friends would always say
Come back Sam, so we can play

But I left my body – it won’t be back
Don’t worry I’m with Brother Jack
Just look at me, I am free
Of all the things that bothered me

I know for certain I’ll be missed
But look how much that I was kissed
By Mommy, Daddy, my Graps and Grams
Aunts and uncles, cousins – fans!

So please don’t worry – I’m OK
And in the future there’s a day
We’ll be together and we can play
For I am Sam, Sam I am

What do I tell the parking attendant?

Did you know that the Douglass County Coroner sells t-shirts?


I find this very odd. You walk into the office and the t-shirts are right there….long sleeve, short sleeve, even a hoodie.

Which begs the question….Who buys a Douglass County Coroner t-shirt?

I can only imagine the conversation…..Hey, you’re heading to the coroner’s office? Pick me up a t-shirt, will you?

I had to go by to finish up paperwork and the people were quite nice and very compassionate….

despite the odd t-shirt thing.

I also had to go to Children’s Hospital which I thought would be difficult, but it was really very healing. I have decided that Children’s will always be a part of our lives….good place, good people.

Driving up to Children’s, I realized their was one person who didn’t know about Samantha, one very important person….the parking lot attendant.

I was a bit of a panic about this….so much that I considered parking at University Hospital just so I didn’t have to tell him.

The parking lot attendant is wonderful. He is older with a lovely smile, kind eyes, broken English and he remembers those who come and go quite a lot. Every time we were in, he would ask;

“Hello Miss, everything okay?”

“Oh, we got admitted last night. I don’t have a ticket.”

“It’s okay. Baby okay?”

“I think she’ll be okay.”

“Good, good, have a good day Miss.”

He would hold a conversation with eights cars behind me. He just wanted to know that we were alright.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him about Samantha; especially in the drivers seat with eager parents waiting in line to get out of the lot.

“Hello Miss,” he said today glancing into the empty back seat.

I gave him a big smile “Hello, how are you?”

“Good, you okay?”

“I’m okay.” And I drove off. My response wasn’t a lie or hiding the truth. I just couldn’t see that sweet face turn sad….

Especially with a minivan on my tail.




Confusingly Okay

I have talked about the beauty and value of Hospice services and I have to say…..if you’re struggling with grief, loss or illness, check out Hospice, they really are wonderful, helpful people.


I saw my Hospice counselor today….

We hugged.

And then hugged again.

“How are you doing?” She asked.

“I am confusingly okay,” I responded. “Really, I keep thinking, I shouldn’t be walking. I shouldn’t be driving, I shouldn’t be smiling, laughing. I should be in a dark room, in dark clothes.”

“I should be inconsolable…..mourning the loss of my child. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, to become hysterical, incapacitated, hopelessly sad…but it hasn’t happened.”

“You said the same thing when Samantha was alive.” She said.

What?

“When you first came in here. You said you were afraid that caring for a special needs child would find you joyless, sad, mourning for what should have been. You said you kept waiting for this to happen, to become hysterical, incapacitated….you didn’t understand how you still found joy.”

“Heather,” she said, “you still found joy…in spite of everything, you found joy.”

I played with my frayed Kleenex.

“It just doesn’t feel right to find it now….it surprises me when joy jumps out. It just keeps popping up; a hummingbird, a smell, a laugh with friends, a kiss, a sweet reminder of her. The hole in our life and the emptiness is palpable but somehow we still find little pockets of joy. It makes me confusingly okay.”

“Are you okay with the confusion?” She asked.

“I guess so.”

“Then embrace the joy.”

Bad Hat

I have decided that instead of sitting around eating and drinking, perhaps it is better to participate in an activity and then eat and drink….better for the digestion.


Today was golf with Hubby, Dad and Cynde.

I pulled out a hat to protect my post ski-instructor skin and stared at myself in the mirror. The hat was pink; which is now my new favorite color but it had a smiley logo on the front…..Life is Good…

PFFFHHHHHH

I stared at the cheerful life is good face before me; so very annoyed at the smiling nonchalant, never-had-a-care-in-the-world face.

Really?

Really?

The hat just stared back. The hat mocked me, Life is good my left pinky toe.

Oh come on. I said to the hat.

Well isn’t it? The hat said back.

Hmmmm…..I can think of better…isn’t it presumptuous to proclaim life is good all the time? Because it’s not….life is not good all of the time….sometimes life is sad, and confusing, and really, not very good at all…..crappy, even.

Not so sure about that, I’m just a hat; doing my hat thing, sitting in the drawer…..not so sure about life-statements because underneath I am only cotton….. donning a cute, cheerful quote. Doesn’t it make you feel better to know this hat thinks life is good?

And besides….you pulled me out of the drawer. Who’s talking to who here? May I mention, once again….I’m a hat.

The hat grinned back at me again.

Stupid, cheerful hat.

I decided I didn’t need the hassle. I put the hat back in the drawer and pulled out my J. Crew fishing hat…

Because life is fish….or something like that.

For Sale: One pink Life is Good hat with an attitude.