Category: Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

oof- this was the first couple years after we lost our girl, coping and recovery

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Baby Steps……

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

When Samantha died, we started a memorial fund.


And thanks to your generous contributions, we raised a significant amount of money.

And I thought…..what do we do with these generous contributions????

We could write a blanket check to Children’s….but we don’t know where it would go…

We could write a blanket check to the UMDF, for mitochondrial research but again….would anyone know who gave it? And why? Would anyone there care about our story with Samantha? Would anyone care about our story with Jack?

I needed more. You…..dear contributor…..deserve more.

So we have started a group for mitochondrial awareness in Colorado. I don’t ever want another family to ever feel as lost and hopeless as we did.

We have named our group Miracles for Mito. (Go and ‘like’ us on facebook!)

Today I met with the Colorado non-profit development center to establish ourselves as a legitimate non-profit with a real 501-c3 number.

We find out in the next two weeks if our application met the non-profit requirements and if we are accepted.

Keep your fingers crossed.

At times we are swimming upstream. At times the meaning behind what we are trying to accomplish seems insurmountable…..who knows what a mitochondrial disease is? Why should they know this? Why should it matter to them?

Every 30 minutes a child is born that will develop a mitochondrial disease before the age of ten….

That fact….if nothing else….should keep me in game. That fact and the fact that Lil’ Miss won’t let me stop taking these teeny, tiny, baby steps to make a difference…

….we just might make that difference.

Crossing fingers and toes….

PHHHHHFFFFFF

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief5 Comments

When Samantha first got sick I had to quit my job. I wandered around the house, yearning for a conference call, hoping for a meeting, a chance to don a business suit ….wondering who am I now????


Ironically, four years later, I still wonder the same thing.

The alarm went off at 6:30 this morning. I was on time, I was feeling good…feeling on schedule.

And then I attempted to get dressed.

The last time I worked a professional job was four years ago….after two pregnancies and maternity leave. I have now dug deep, deep into my closest to find hints of who that professional person used to be…..

Today I put on a pair of dress pants….not bad….

And then I tried to find a sweater. The first sweater didn’t fit right….it has never fit right…..I have no patience for things that do not fit right…..in the Goodwill bag. The second sweater had been dry cleaned five times and still has some sort of brown goo on the shoulder. The third had a hole right next my belly button.

3 sweaters, 3 additions to the Goodwill bag….one late me.

I finally got dressed and ran out of the house.

I returned once because I thought I left the coffee pot on.

I returned twice because I forgot our overdue library DVD’s.

Really late.

Really late and now being tailgated on the highway…..so tailgated I sped up to get into the other lane and out of said tailgaters way.

Pulled over by state patrol ……Mother f*&$#%!

Let go by state patrol due to my plea that I was only trying to get out the way….Thank you State Patrol Gods.

I pull into Starbucks to buy a Venti Latte’ to calm my nerves.

A Venti Latte’ to Calm My Nerves

Ironically, I sometimes miss the calm days at TCH……

I also now have a smart phone. It’s a Droid 2…..it sits next to my computer at work and every once in while talks to me if it gets bored……if it doesn’t feel like I’m paying enough attention it yells out….

DDDRRRROOOOIIIIIIDDDDD…..

My phone yells this in his computer Droid voice. I swear someday that phone is going to grow legs, crawl off the desk and take over the world. I won’t be able to stop him….

I’m frightened of my Smartphone.

I couldn’t figure out how to unlock Mr. Droid this morning. I had to call hubby.

Hubby laughed at my Droid fear and told me I could turn the voice off.

Yeah…right…..right after Mr. Droid grows those legs.

I’ve given Mr. Droid a name….Darryl….Darryl Droid. Now that doesn’t sound like a phone that wants world domination, does it?

I hope not…..when did the world get so complicated?

I miss tube feedings.

“Hope is the dream of a soul awake.”

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief6 Comments

The quote above is a French proverb…..isn’t it wonderful? To be awake…to have hope.


33 miners were rescued today from half a mile in the earth.

Half a mile is a long way…..a very, very long way.

Did you see them as they came up? They looked good; full of life, full of energy, full of hope. When the mine collapsed 70 days ago I thought how can a person live in those conditions for two months? Away from the light? In the middle of the earth?

Maybe because they knew the whole world was trying to save them, maybe because they had hope.

How very important is hope?

I went to a breakfast today for the Mental Health Center of Denver. My dad sits on the board as the treasurer and I was very proud to be there today. The MHCD believes that people can recover from mental illness given the right tools. They believe people with this illness can go on to live healthy, productive lives with healthy productive relationships.

Do you know what they do?

They give people hope.

They tell people they can recover.

Dad got up to the podium after breakfast as the treasurer and asked for donations. I cried through his whole speech……his speech was about giving to the gift of hope.

Even Dad got a little verklempt which made me cry even harder…..on the verge of ugly cry into my breakfast burrito…..I hid my head under a napkin.

Because like the miners, like the people who Dad represented today….I need hope.

I want hope.

Hope that life does go on.

Hope that I can see the light half a mile down.

Hope that I can believe in hope……

And I do……I have that hope for me (most of the time)

I have that hope for Hubby……

I have that hope for us….

What makes me sad is that I wanted that hope for Samantha…..I clung to that hope for her…..like a crazy spider monkey on the vine, I clung to that…..it’s hard to know what hope to cling to now.

Because now she is the soul, she is the dream, she is the light half mile down in the darkness…a tiny beacon for what we can do, what we should do, if we only embrace the hope.

My hope is that I will embrace the hope.

What I had to say isn’t as important

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

I had my blog post all figured out tonight.


And then I read an email from my friend Rebecca…..posted in regards to yesterday’s story….

Yesterday Caroline looked at her daddy right before our dinner prayer and said, “please ask God how Samantha is doing.” I asked her how she thought Sam was doing. Her answer – “oh, she is great, she is dancing and singing in heaven.” Max looked over and with a firm voice added “Samantha is talking now.” He can say her name perfectly now, I miss the way he used to say Antha.


It was an unexpected conversation, but not uncommon. She is never far from their thoughts, or mine.

I am glad the little bird came to the wedding, she must have arrived after taking a break from all the dancing.


Well, no matter what is going on in my life, this is far more important and far more touching, and far more wonderful and far more magical.

Thank you my very intelligent, my very thoughtful, small friends……




Love, love, love

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

Hubby and I went to a wedding today….it is October 10, 2010 and the wedding was at 10:00….10, 10, 10 at 10.


At ten this morning it was a little chilly, especially on the top of Flagstaff mountain in Boulder; but it was fabulous and the love in the air was palpable.

We pulled into the parking lot and was greeted by 5 year Izzy who jumped into my arms. She looked right at me…..Where is Samantha? She asked.

The way she asked it wasn’t where is Samantha today but where is she….if she’s not here with us, where could she be? She looked directly into my eyes. Izzy wanted answers.

“Oh Sweetie,” I said, “she’s in heaven, she’s up in the sky but she comes around. Maybe today we’ll find her in the clouds or in a bird or a flower.”

“I’ll look for her,” she said and then jumped out of my arms, content with my answer.

As we walked down to the amphitheater, I looked for a bird but the skies were empty.

The service was wonderful….simple, loving. Seneca and Greg got married a little older and you can feel how very happy to have found the other. They are giddy, looking at each like precious treasures they had the amazing fortune to stumble upon.

I adore weddings. I love that Hubby and I hold hands, squeeze each others fingers and remember to fall in love again.

During the ceremony, I found my little bird. Actually I heard her before I saw her…..her sweet little tweet through the trees. She finally flew down to a lower branch to watch the ceremony with us. I thanked her for coming.

It was the only bird I saw that day……maybe because I was looking for her.

At a tasty brunch afterwards, I had Izzy and her sister Nora on my lap. Nora went through the homemade cloth napkins the bride gave as wedding presents.

“This one is for you,” she said holding a blue flowered napkin. She then assigned Hubby a blue one with small polka dots.

“This is Samantha’s,” she said holding up a yellow flowered pattern. “And this is for your little boy.” She handed me a napkin with big blue polka dots. Our little family captured in homemade napkins by a seven year old…..I may never use those napkins. I would be too afraid to spoil them with a spot of grease or tomato sauce.

I love that to these girls, our kids are not gone…..just because we can’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t around.

These these little people ask openly about what’s going on. They celebrate where she could be…..I’m trying to take lessons in 5-year old thought.

It was an enchanting day.

AND it finally, finally rained and felt like a cool October morning. My change has come.

I would wish my friends the best of luck in their new marriage but they really don’t need it. The way they look at each other….they are solid……solid as the earth.

And a little bird blessed their wedding.

Hi Ho Hi Ho

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief4 Comments

I have almost been working two full weeks. Well, really I was always working but now I have an office. I am required to change out of my sweats, take a shower and report to a client older than four.


Alas, the changes in life.

It has been a funny two weeks. I have realized something……

I’m tired. I collapse into bed and sleep until the dreaded alarm sounds in the morning. I find this ironic because there were many, many nights when I didn’t sleep with Samantha and even when I could sleep, sleep did not come easily.

Perhaps this exhaustion is four years of sleep deprivation, perhaps it’s because I can no longer sneak in a snooze until 8 or partake in an afternoon nap. Perhaps it is having to be ‘on’ all day….

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…..

It doesn’t matter the reason, I’m tired.

And I now have no time to Facebook….I am cut of from the world.

Pre-work, people would say to me I can’t facebook, I’m too busy.

And I would think who is too busy to facebook????

Me, right now….so very tragic….

But never fear because my job requires that I get a Smartphone. So I will be able to facebook from my smartphone.

There’s a funny statement for you……facebook from my smartphone….I wonder if you could smartbook from your facephone? I don’t think I want a facephone.

I’m not quite sure about this smartphone thing. How do we know they are smartphones? Did they take a test? Study? I would have been the doesn’t exceed to her full potential phone.

What happens to the smartphones who don’t pass?

My new (old) company is also a green company…which is fabulous but kind of cracks me up. On the first day I got a coffee mug and a plastic cup. If you go downstairs for lunch and forget your cup, you’re outta luck…..

Because they got rid of all the disposable cups…..all of them. Adios Styrofoam… now how cool is that?

My welcome cup is blue. I forgot to bring it to lunch one day. I won’t forget it again. I was too lazy to walk upstairs and get it so I had lunch without a nice, refreshing beverage……I got very thirsty and I’ll tell ya, had a Styrofoam cup been there I would have used it. Thank goodness for quitting cold turkey.

Its been nice to be back. I am happy to report that these ten days have passed without strife…a little sadness but no strife.

Someone did steal my stapler today. I found it in a neighboring cubicle and stole it back….I was then told I need to work on my sharing skills…..remember my blue cup and work on my sharing skills????

I need a smartphone.

What I would say…..

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief5 Comments

In September five gay teenagers took their lives……it is making headline news and it should.


Today I meant to post about my new life at work, but I can’t.

This subject is taking too much frontal lobe space and I must purge…..

Suicide is a tough topic for me because we fought tooth and nail for Samantha’s life.

But I get it. I do understand that sometimes you can’t see past the darkness. It makes me incredibly sad that these children felt they had no where to turn…..this is what I would say to these five kids…..

We have failed you and I’m sorry.

Life can be hard. Life can be so hard you feel like your heart is ripping out of your chest.

But it’s not. Despite everything you are going through, the bullying, the hateful comments…..that heart of yours keeps beating, your lungs keep taking in air even though the wind has been knocked out of you….almost as though your body is mocking your pain.

My heart is breaking but it still keeps beating…..how horrible is that? I am holding my breath but still I breathe.

It’s horrible. Sadly, there will be more times when the heart is breaking but still beating.

There will still be times when you feel isolated, alone, afraid and hopeless….but that can’t be the end. There are times when life is fabulous, happy and you’re on cloud 9 but that can’t be the end either.

And really…..how boring would it be it life were fabulous every, single day?

Life is good, life is sad, life is gain, life is loss, life is many, many things…..80 (something) years is a long, long time

And if you leave now, when it’s bad, it will always be bad….it will always be full of strife, hate and pain. But if you stay, if you can fight for who you are, if you can search and find the beauty in life….you will find it and it will find you.

No matter how different you feel.

I have always, always felt different from ‘the norm’. It wasn’t until my daughter came along that I embraced that difference. I had a 4 year old who couldn’t walk, talk or eat…..different became the norm in our life….it still is.

And life has been much smoother since I embrace that difference.

It will get better. It will.

The world is full of people who could have left but decided to stay…..decided to fight and make some sort of change.

And they did.

As I type this my 75 year old neighbor is outside dancing to Grease with her granddaughters in her bathrobe. Seriously, it’s 9:15 at night in our little HOA controlled neighborhood and I can hear her through our bedroom window…..Look at me I’m Sandra Dee just came on.

Random….completely random…….but life….

The world is full of people who love you, love you, love you…embrace that, relish in that. Hold that white flag up….send out the emergency flares and scream I need help! and let them help you because they will, they will come in droves to help and insure you are not alone.

Trust me…..from one survivor to another

I can only hang with my mole people….

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief7 Comments

Today I am also hangin’ at Hopeful Parents

I did a search on mole people and found that in urban legend, they are the groups of people that live underground in the subway system.


I also found this…..


…..my mole people are much cuter and not quite as shocking….

And them I found him….

Alas my mole person….

I named him Harvey.


And on many days I feel like I have joined him in his little hole.

My life has evolved to a deeper level. After Samantha, copious amounts of small talk, surface-level talk drives me insane.

I no longer do well at parties with people I don’t know. Here’s how I imagine my conversations…..

“Yes I like to dabble in scrap booking but ever since we adopted our eighth cat, I’m just way too busy.”

I imagine myself casually taking the last cheese straw and saying “Yeah, well, my daughter died.”

But I don’t , I don’t do this. But these surface level conversations make me crazy.

I want to take things to a deeper level….let’s dig deep, go below the surface, where it is dark and dirty, where it’s kind of stinky….where life is real.

And I love those who go with me. I love my mole people.

On Monday I went back to the job I left four years ago when Samantha got sick. I have been amazed at the people who stop by my desk with tears in their eyes and say, “I am so glad your back but I am so sorry about Samantha. I’m sorry you could come back because she is no longer here.”

It’s messy, it’s dirty, they don’t have to take things to a deeper level but they do. They allow me talk about my pain, my life…the muddy, crappy, poo that unravels when you go a little deeper.

And I am so very appreciative.

I love my mole people. And if you’re hangin’ with me, congrats, you have received mole person status.

Although you are much prettier than my green buggy friend above.


Let’s get dirty.

Paging Mr. Frost….Mr. Jack Frost….

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief2 Comments

A couple weeks ago a friend of mine sent me a lovely card just in case the changing of the seasons proved to be a little difficult.


I thought this was wonderful and very thoughtful but I LOVE the Fall…love it….and I thought I would embrace the seasonal transition.

But last week I was picking the last of the tomatoes and a wave of sadness came over me. One of my favorite things was hanging in the garden with Samantha watching by, sitting in her Radio Flyer wagon. I think she loved it as much as I did.

It made me sad that we won’t grow another garden together; so sad that I drew myself a hot bath and had a little cry fest. Actually I am a fan of the cry fest, I am always feel better, a little cleansed, tired and at peace. I sat in the tub until my feet were raisins.

But now that I have come to this conclusion, I want this year’s garden to be done, over….I am now ready for another season, a little change, a step forward. My sad tomato plants are hanging on by a teeny tiny thread….they are ready too.

As luck would have it, our autumn has been historically hot. I feel obligated to go out and water our sad little plants as they cling the last remnants of Summer…..producing teeny, wimpy fruits.

I need a good crisp Fall. I need a cleansing cold. I need to say goodbye to my tomatoes. Mr. Frost is a tad tardy.


Bad Breakfast

On By HschichieIn Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief6 Comments

Taboo, Sugary Cereal Day at work lead me to several interesting observations……


I really did bring Lucky Charms.

I haven’t had Lucky Charms since I was 8…..there might be a reason for this.

I walked into the cereal aisle looking for my marshmellowy delight and wondered where the heck it was. At eye level, I only found Special K, Corn Flakes and Fiber One, no sign of my little leprechaun.

And did you know, Lucky the Leprechaun was born in 1964 and has been magically delicious ever since?

I love the wide world of Web.

But I digress….

I couldn’t find Lucky and his Charms because all of the sugary cereal is located two feet above the cereal aisle floor; eye level for the wandering 4 year old. Seriously, next time you’re in the cereal aisle, look down two feet, it’s a crazy, cartoon, cereal party down there; Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, Pop, CocoPuffs, and that nutty Toucan…..all down there.

Crazy.

So I brought my Charms of Luck to work and continued to drink my coffee and helped myself to a bowl….because after all, they’re magically delicious!

Fifteen minutes later, my heart started palpitating, I couldn’t speak in complete sentences and I was skipping through the hallways singing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria. Clearly, I was suffering from a caffeine, Lucky Charms overload from only one bowl.

My only thought was they feed this to small children in the morning and then put them on a bus????!!!!

Thank God it now comes fortified with fiber and calcium.

But the marshmallows are now bigger so one negative probably cancels out the fiber positive.

I will probably wait another 32 years for another bowl of Lucky Charms….that leprechaun is quite naughty.