What do you say when you don’t know what to say?

 I have been trying (without success) to put into words, the meaning of the last week.


Love?


Gratitude?


Grief?


Happiness?


Sadness?


I have found that the best dishes combine the sour and the sweet, the sweet and the savory, the salty and the honeyed.


My favorite chocolate is dark with sea salt and almonds…..so there you go. This week was my favorite chocolate; complex, bitter and a salty at times, yummy, decadent, rich, fabulous, just a tad nutty and best paired with a lovely Cabernet.


Thank you for a wonderful week.


Last Wednesday was Samantha’s birthday. Our team hit $50,000 at 9:15 that morning. I watched with awe as our tally went up by the $100’s every minute. We had done this. We had done this.


$50,000 was going to fight the disease that took our girl.


I knew I would be glued to the computer if we stayed at home so hubby and I took a drive through Rocky Mountain National Park and up to Grand Lake.


I left my phone at home. We held hands, had a picnic and talked about the day she was born. It was a tad salty and a good celebration.


And our tally continued to climb.


And then came the weekend and our ride. Oh the weekend! I without a doubt, have the best team ever. I am still bathing in the love, support and generosity from this team and from our tribe of friends and supporters! Thank you all so, so much.


Everyone did great. The hard training paid off. We avoided the sinkholes through Leadville and it was amazing to see Summits for Samantha jerseys at every turn.


On the last day we met before the finish line to cross over together. As individuals rode up to the rest of the team, everyone cheered. And we all got on our bikes; 52 of us looking fabulous in our team ‘kit’ snaked up the hill to the finish line. We were a great, big Summits for Samantha biking parade!


And I cried all the way up…..happy cry….chocolate with sea salt.


Our tally continued to climb- $60,000


And we all went home, sweaty, (truly) salty, tired and energized, and took a nap.


Tuesday morning found me on a flight to Manhattan. My legs were still painted with temporary tattoos (how do you get those off?), my nose slightly sunburned and I felt like a giddy teenager after a date with a crush. I was in love with the weekend.


Yesterday was the day we lost Samantha, two years ago. The exact time passed as I was eating a lobster roll with a client. I noted the clock, looked up at the ceiling and played with my ‘S’ necklace as we talked about response rates. Later in the afternoon, I processed this crazy week by walking in crowds on 5th Avenue. It amazes me how lost you can get in New York among so many people, perfect.


We had a client party last night at a restaurant above Grand Central Station. It was decadent; caviar, tapenade, prosciutto and Parmesan were passed on tiny plates. Below us were commuters heading home after a long day, above us were the constellations and Greek Gods painted on the ceiling of Grand Central.


And our tally continued to climb to $70,000.


I stood in a cocktail dress with temporary tattoos still on my calves and felt somewhat ethereal; crazy, perfect, sad, embracing, powerful, loving, amazing week.


The waiter passed desserts- I took a dark chocolate brownie sprinkled with sea salt.


Thank you…..a million, bazillion thank you’s. You all are the Greek Gods on the ceiling of Grand Central Station 

I told you I would be boring in July, didn’t I?

July is tough. And those who know us know why…..we have Jack’s birthday, Samantha’s birthday and the day we lost both of them….and we have this crazy ride all in the middle.

This crazy ride, with this crazy team, who is pulling together $50,000.

And it makes me cry….out of joy, out of grief, out of complete gratitude, that this is where July has taken us.

Crazy July.

This weekend I had the pleasure of leading a ride up Berthoud Pass.

Berthoud is steep….but my team is quite mighty.

And I met a friend…and on the way I was talking about July, and why this month is so hard. And she turned and said to me….”yeah, we lost my brother in July.”

And I was humbled and we talked about her little brother who was taken too soon. And we shed a tear.  And realized I am not the only one riding for cause. Perhaps what brings us together is July…….

Crazy July…

And crazy team! Up top Berthoud Pass!

Not sure what the big gray bar is there, but look at the ‘P’ they are blocking out…Cheeky Monkeys

Part of the team up top! Did I mention I have a very good looking team? Not everyone can pull off spandex and a shammy!

To July, and my team, and gratitude….and too much crazy emotion to process…and to our ride.

Did I mention you can donate here?

Yesterday was Jack’s birthday.

Happy birthday Jack, you would have been seven years old.

Seven years…..holy moly.

Seven years ago, people would say, “It will get easier with time.”

And I wanted to say, Well I certainly hope so because today the sun hurts my eyes and every breath feels bitter.

But life went on.

And the days turned into years. And one year turned into two, two into three. And I no longer counted down the days until his birth, in fact the week kind of snuck up on me.

Crazy life.

We have had horrible fires in Colorado. People have lost a lot- over 300 homes in Colorado Springs.  A friend of mine posted that it’s so odd to continue our daily life with destruction around us. It’s almost a slap in the face to those mourning…….the world should stop but it does not, the birds should not sing, but they do. The tide carries us forward, the clock keeps ticking, the sun rises and sets, and as time goes on, every day becomes a new invitation for us to join.

On Jack’s birthday, I rode 65 miles with our team, Summits for Samantha. They all remembered Jack’s day and wished him Happy Birthday. Hubby and I had a mellow day finished with grassfed, organic ribeyes and a surprise bottle of wine Hubby had found. It was a bottle from France, the same wine we enjoyed from our honeymoon.

To go ‘on’ implies that we forget. To move forward….to gather the beauty and grief we have collected and weave it into this life.

Happy Birthday Jack

It has been record-breaking hot in Colorado and we have been plagued with horrible fires.


Today hubby and I woke up to heat, haze and the smell of burning wood in the air. Our lovely mountains, just five miles away could not be seen.


Yuck.


We decided we would spend the day inside- the movies, Men in Black III. We go to about one movie a year so it sounded nice and I was happy to get out of our (Gasp!) non-air conditioned home!


It turns out the movie was very funny. Hubby and I spilt some popcorn and a smuggled coke. We held hands, it was almost a date!


There was an alien in the movie who could see the future but all different versions depending on what the person did next. He talked about miracles…


“A miracle,” he said, “is something that seems impossible but happens anyway.”


This hit a cord in me. I thought of our Courage Classic Team and that we are half-way to our $50,000 goal. I thought this would never be possible. $50,000 is a lot of money! A lot of money! And we just might make it.


And in my mind, that would be the impossible that happened anyway…..a miracle.


And so I cried, in the middle of Men of Black. And hubby squeezed my hand. He is used to seeing me cry in movies.


Tonight our books Living Well with Mitochondrial Disease are in and will be distributed to families in the Mitochondrial clinic…..not impossible but still very, very cool.

And it rained. If only for a brief time, fat rain drops plunked on the ground and were eaten up by the earth. It’s a little cooler and the air smells fresh.


Impossible? I hope not but still very, very cool.

Wanna donate to our miracle? You can right here

To the impossible.

I think perhaps we have become a bit silly.

And I don’t care if you are a democrat or republican, tea party or liberal. I would like to think that we are all educated Americans; concerned with the world around us…..

Okay….maybe not even concerned, maybe not even educated. But enough to know the world around us.

Enough to know that if you go on National television, your facts are straight. Enough to know that Sweden was not part of the communist block- that they are not evil,  And that really, if you look at how every country has fared during a world wide recession- Sweden has done pretty well.

PS- Our Miracles for Mito president is Swedish and I find her quite fabulous. So I am trying to tout us all as wonderful, Swedish loving people;

Which we are until you read:

here.http://www.addictinginfo.org/2012/06/18/were-all-going-to-hell-or-to-sweden-according-to-dr-monica-crowley/

PSS…Maria, don’t read this!!!!

PSSS….Also know many people who grew up in Eastern Europe and find them quite wonderful.

And you can say to me, “Heather, you are full of crap! I don’t want to be Swedish because they are a Socialist country and I don’t want my government to have that much control!”

And I will pour you a glass of wine and say “thank you dear reader to know that Sweden is Socialist and not Communist. In fact, let’s look at the lovely Swedish Royal Family while we eat some Swedish fish. They are quite tasty and do not have an alternate agenda at all….they are just fish. Well not really fish but candy…okay maybe they do have an agenda.”

Have we really waged a political war on Sweden?

This week we also waged a war on my private parts….which makes me just tired- between my private parts waging a war on me and the government waging a war on my parts.

Should Lisa Brown been silenced? No….should the Vagina Monologues been touted on the Michigan State Capitol?  Hmmmmm….I think the more we tout our division, the more we are divided. 

How can we understand our world?  How can we understand Syria? The crisis in Greece? Or the issues in our own country if we can not agree on the appropriate word?

Ahhh…the appropriate private part word. I have several words but I know my dad reads this blog so I will refrain.

🙂 You’re welcome dad!

We are so much better than this. We have better fights than this.

I am now going to eat some Communist Swedish Fish…..

Dear Readers……

Uh Huh…..I told you I would be boring for a month or two.

Here is a letter to our 52 RIDERS of the Courage Classic!!!! And a reminder (not from me!) why this is important….

Hello Team!

I hope you all have not melted! It is hot, hot, hot! I rode the Denver Century yesterday and I feel slightly pan-fried.
Kudos to my dad, Rick and Stepdad, Jim for riding with me. it was a good Father’s Day.


This weekend was really amazing. We attended a fundraising bbq hosted by a team member and his family. Kudos to his son, at 7 he is the youngest member of our team!


Once again, we will ride on Thursday evening from the entrance of Left Hand Canyon to Ward. Let me know if you will be joining us.
For those new to us, let me introduce you to my blog. You can find me at http://www.samsmom-heathers.blogspot.com. I started posting when Samantha first got sick and have ever since. I will be posting stories about the ride here.
I tend to be a bit long-winded and you all know why this is important to ME. But I have realized through this journey that we all have our stories. There is a reason why we are riding. So, if you feel up to it, let the team know why you are here. I can post on the blog or just share it with the team.

Tonight, another team member has shared his story. He rides with our team but also pulls a tandem for Team Courage:


One of the Team Courage kids went to see the Doctor today. The Doctor believes that he is ready for an ARC brace with a carbon fiber wrap. I have no idea what that is other than he needed to gain strength in his ankles before he could qualify for one. It will be fit into to both his new track shoes and his new bike shoes this week. We will test it on the bike Saturday morning during the Team Courage ride.


His mother thinks that running and biking (with Team Courage) have given him the strength for the new brace. She views this as great news. It comes up the front of his shin and velcros with two straps. He can now flex his ankle without the bulky, articulated, hot, plastic AFOs he has had his whole life. I am very excited for him.


I can’t take credit for this milestone but I hope I have helped in some small way. I wish I could have done something for Samantha. I like to believe Samantha is proud of getting me involved with kids that need help like Team Courage. What I wouldn’t give to have her and her smiling face on the back of my tandem during the Courage Classic

PHHHFFFFFFF…..well not only is it hot but I am crying. Consider me a nice steamed dish…..and consider me somewhat humbled by everyone’s efforts.
 
Keep pedaling! I am quite proud of all of you!

-Heather

and……if you would like to donate….you can do it here…..

What will I put in motion?


Now is the time of year that I get slightly boring and somewhat introverted. We come upon June and July…a time of year when I was quite pregnant with both my babies and lost both my babies.


Ironically, this is the same time of year that we have our biggest fundraisers and our Courage Classic bike ride….motion…forward….Perhaps I cannot stay stuck in what June and July meant but what it could mean.


So now grief is measured on how many miles I log on the bike and how many grease marks I have on my legs. This motion forward has gained attention- we now have 52 members on our Courage Classic team; Summits for Samantha and we are working towards our goal of $50,000.


My motion: My annual grief has been overwhelmed by gratitude.


Today we also had our Epsilon Walk for Miles for Mito; attended by 120 people and raising over $4,000. Our walk…motion…forward.


Perhaps I can no longer be stuck in what June/July meant.

Yes, another month has passed with no posting. It has been a busy eventful month with many blogging opportunities but with busy comes lack of blogging.

I will try to catch up.

Tonight I am also supposed to post on Miracles for Mito.

But I am not feeling very mitochondrialy.

There is a fire in my backyard. Well okay, not really from my backyard, about 20 miles from my backyard but it enough to fill the air with an acrid smell. The sky is hazy. And there is a large plume belching grayish-orange smoke into the air.

This is what a fire does to you. It allows you to use words like acrid, plume and belching.

I do not like it.

And although I am minimally impacted, I have many friends to the Northwest who are closer. We have been asked to volunteer our truck if needed. I have an Eggplant Parmesan on hand and a spare bedroom.

Other than that we watch this very hungry fire.

Today we went golfing and looked up at the horizon. The winds were about 30 mph and the direction of the smoke-cloud would change with the direction of the wind. I thought that this must be a horrible fire to fight….note to self…is there a good fire to fight?  Beyond the canyon, I could see two areas where the fire seemed to be fueling.

“What do you think is going on back there?” I asked our friend.

“Chaos” he said.

Yes, chaos.

Tonight driving home, I could see the bright red flames on the mountain. They were not visible yesterday but they have spread. Chaos.

My very wise friend Stephanie posted something on facebook that I will steal for the moment:

There is something endlessly fascinating and horrifying about such destruction. The reminder that we are guests here.

To being a guest….as we observe and live these moments. If we are a guest of Mother Nature, I am asking her to change the sheets once I leave….and please, a big stinkin’ glass of water would be very helpful.

And to my friends further northwest, I make a mean eggplant parmesan and we do have a truck 🙂 …stay safe.

And to our firefighters….well you’re just really cool

HAHA! Happy Mother’s Day! It is also my day to post on our Miracles for Mito webpage. I find it slightly ironic that I was given Mother’s Day because although I am not bitter, I am glad the day is done.

I am glad I no longer have to listen to Tom Shane commercials touting the beauty of Motherhood and that it can only be truly celebrated with a diamond pendant; one for each child. I am glad that the hype from the Time Magazine article on breastfeeding has died down a little…..”Are you Mom Enough?” really?

Farewell Mother’s Day for another 365 days!

Hubby and I spent it in full rebellion of the Day. We spent the weekend in Beaver Creek with our lovely friends/family,  Scott and Tracy…..no children, only wine and a hot tub.

Fabulous.

Scott and Tracy, like us, thought their family would look different. It is refreshing and comforting to be with others whose expectations were different but still want to celebrate and honor their life.

Because here is what I have realized about parenting. There were many things in my life that I wanted to do but could not.

– I could not get into Harvard (I am many things but not a student)

– I could not get on the cheerleading team (really, my flying dutchman was quite horrific)

– I could not run a 7 minute mile (I am quite slow and have come to terms with that)

I was never told I could not be a parent. In fact, I was told to take precautions to NOT be a parent. I think many of us non-parents are in the same boat. This seemed kinda easy, why is it so hard?

And I know what many of my lovely friends would say right now, “Heather, you will always be a Mom.”

Which is lovely and nice but my children do not need my 24/7. In fact, they are just fine on their own.

And leaves hubby and I to find different ways to live our life.

Thank Goodness for Beaver Creek, Scott and Tracy, a hot tub and wine.

And thank goodness for my husband, who gave me a card this morning that said “If I had to do it all over again, I know that I would choose you.” 

Which sounds a little odd until you realize that hubby and I both carry some odd rescessive gene and the chances of us finding another person with this gene is about 1 and 800. If we both had chose someone else, our Mother’s Day might be very different. But we chose each other and it is so comforting that we are grateful for that dispite some really awful circumstances.

This Mother’s Day we also found a ski shop that had ski boots at 50% off. I am now the owner of new ski boots and custom insoles. SOOOO much better than a Tom Shane necklace.

Thank you hubby 🙂

So this Mother’s Day I celebrate expectations and moving beyond them. For those of us who thought we would be Moms. For those who have lived through a loss….missing their child or missing their mom. To honoring the life we now live, Happy Mother’s Day.

I KNOW. It’s been almost a month since I have blogged.

And it’s late.

And I should go to bed.

But I’m a tad wired.

It has been an emotional month as Spring tends to be. I have been busy organizing our Courage Classic team and it has been met with amazing success. We have 24 members signed up to ride.

This year I set a goal for myself. If the team raises $50,000 we can designate what clinic the money goes to. We can have $50,000 go to the Mitochondrial and Special Care Clinic.

You know what is crazy? I think we can do it. We have already raised $13,785. How nuts is that????

So dear readers, I hope you forgive me but I might be a little fundraiser manic until July. I continue to be amazed by what can happen when things fall into place. I keep telling myself  “If you shoot for the moon and miss, you’re still among the stars.” now I’m thinking, “If you shoot for the moon, you might just hit the moon!”

Holy Schmoly, the moon.

We have created a promotional video with our fabulous kids, you can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkEWQuHr2Kg.

AND if you would like to donate (but no pressure, really) you can read about our story here.

The biggest thing for me is that we are making something happen….and it is the most overwhelming, amazing feeling, in spite of all of the bad…..it makes my soul feel good.

Pretty stinkin cool.