Month: October 2023

As I have been called upon to deliver the Phews to multiple events, my character has come into question.

Apparently, I drive too fast.

I’ll take this. I’ll hand it back with the fact that everyone else drives too slow. Not you. You, dear reader are a great driver.

But yes, everyone else drives way too slow.

And then there is the question around my language.

I guess I say the F-word.

A lot

There was a vote among the family……Who says the F-word most often?

And I won, or lost. Apparently among all of the adults in the family, I say the f-word most often.

“What the F$ck?” I said to the Phews.

No really, I didn’t say that…..but I really wanted to.

Instead I said, “Well goodness gracious, that’s a shocker. Whatever could have come to that decision my little muffins?”

Okay, I didn’t say that either…..but somewhere between the two came the truth…..

“Really? I say it more than anyone else?”

“Yes.” Said all the Phews.

“No kidding?”

“No kidding.”

And I had two thoughts. One thought was that I needed to curb my vocabulary among the Phews.

Second thought? Fuck it. When I think of how I want to be remembered…..the creative use of the F-word may not be a terrible way to be memorialized.

And yes, everyone else drives way too slow.

My family huddles well.

Sadly, I believe it’s because of years of practice, but we do this well. We lean in, call in reinforcements (thank you!) and try, as best we can, to help each other out. It is here that I am always reminded of what family is- it is here that I find who we are and the glue that bonds us together is solidified.

In the last month, I’ve spent some time with the oldest Phew. We are right at the cusp of boy-hood and teenager-hood and man-child and all of the things that clingy Aunties are not good at. Oldest Phew (OP) is growing up.

My job as of late is to take OP to football practice. We have bonded over music that gets you ready for football practice. Eminem, Kanye, Drake……angry music that I love but triggers my Auntie radar….just a bit.

We pull into the practice parking lot; OP jumps out with his football gear. I gather myself, turn off Eminem, get my thermos of tea, extra coat, foldable chair and try my best to be cool.

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.

Yesterday OP and I went to the Bronco game. Denver lost but we had a great time. OP studied the starting line, recited stats, called plays, high five’d. We each got pizza and a giant lemonade.

I sang karaoke to Vanilla Ice….because I still try my best to be cool. Collaborate and listen, Ice is back with my brand new invention

Walking back through the post Bronco game crowd is nutty…..lots of hyped-up people who may have been over-served in the last 6 hours. We got to our parking lot and there was that guy. That angry drunk guy…… that guy who picks fights with people who just want to get home in time for 60 minutes. That guy was yelling at another car, pounding on the windshield…..I steered OP in the other direction.

We jumped in our car….”hang tight Bubs, lots of people making some bad decisions here.”

And we lined up to get out of the parking lot.

Angry Guy jumps in his Subaru, backs up 6 inches towards my car and tries to cut me off.

I honk.

Angry Guy starts an animated non-verbal conversation aimed at his rear-view mirror.

Angry Guy is drunk.

I take a picture of Angry Guys license plate. Fortunately, Angry Guy has been such a douche, I have many witnesses in my favor. But Angry Guy is hating me- OP and I watch barrage of hand gestures.

Perhaps Angry Guy realizes if he continues, he is going to draw more attention to himself from authorities.

This would not bode well for angry guy.

So he pulls to the side and lets me pass. I forget my window is rolled down.

“YOU’RE WELCOME!!!!” Angry Guy yells.

I don’t acknowledge but try to navigate the line. Angry Guy cannot contain himself. He gives his middle finger a kiss, points it at me and yells out, WHORE!!!

Whore? Well, let’s take it back it up…….I’m a 52 year old, white haired woman, driving an SUV with a child in the back. I could represent a lot of insults but this one? Okay.

I yell back, “Seriously. Knock it off. My kid is in the car.” Ironically, this shuts Angry Guy up.

OP and I continue to navigate traffic. I explain that I engaged a bit too much with Angry Guy. I should have ignored him.

“Are you okay that I called you my kid?”

“Well yeah….you’re my Aunt…”

“Thanks buddy. It takes a village.”

Would I have been uglier had OP not been in the car? Probably. I can go Ape Poop with the best of them. But every time I wanted to toss an F-bomb I was reminded that someone was watching- this kid who I adore and someone who I always want to be my best self with.

The best way to be cool was to be cool.

Thanks Kid.