Nitty Gritty Dirty Grief

Feel this

I would be lying if I didn’t say this week kicked me in hiney.

A couple times.

Not that this week was bad, in many ways there were a lot of good things.

And a lot of tragic.


On Monday morning, I received a sad, sad, email. A family we know lost their daughter, Sarah to her chromosomal disease, Trisomy 18. 

She was two years and 3 months. She and her family fought so hard and like our medically fragile kiddos do, Sarah had nestled herself into the hearts of everyone who knew her.

I got the email at work among requests for proposals, recommendations, call backs for marketing plans.

I read the email, paused and went to the next message when a voice inside me said ‘Feel this’.

“I can’t” I said to my stupid inconvenient voice, “I can’t because if I feel this the whole day is done. Nothing will be accomplished. I will be in a ball for the rest of the day. It’s too close.”

‘Feel This’

‘Shut Up!’




I finally stood up a bit too fast and said to my co-worker and friend Marne……. perhaps a bit too loud and a bit too manic, “I AM GOING FOR A WALK!”

She looked at me sweetly, noticed the tears streaming down my face (because I am so stealth), and said,  “Would you like some company?”

“Um, yeah….I think I would”

And so we walked around the building and talked of God and Life and Crappiness and the necessity to Feel It.

Marne lost her dear Mom and on this particular Monday morning, a co-worker who just lost their mom returned back to work because really, that’s how the week has been…..lots of loss. 

And Marne, in her loveliness talked to this man about the loss of a Mom.

And then I, requested a walk with her to talk about loss.

Because that’s how I roll….at work….hey, let’s talk about loss.

Marketing plans be dammed!

I felt better after our walk and that I could get through the day.

The next day was our Giving First Day and I got a sweet email from our neighbor Earl. It said  “I pray for you and Bart every day. I trust God is answering those prayers in a way that blesses you.”

And I thought…..what does bless me?

And on that Giving First Day, we raised A LOT of money in one day.

To give to our Mito Families

And that Blessed me.

And ordering a Honey-Baked Ham Platter for Sarah’s family Blessed Me, because I knew people would show up to share condolences and be hungry because they didn’t know what else to do.

And it hurt me that I knew that about funerals. And that food (sometimes) is better than flowers.

Can blessings hurt? Maybe

I hugged my hubby tonight and said “this week was hard”

“I know” he said and he hugged me harder.

But I also know this, it felt better to take a walk around the building than to repress an email.

It feels good to talk, honestly.  

It feels good to raise an impressive amount of money in one day for a non-profit born from my daughter’s memory.

It feels good to order a Honey Baked Ham Platter……with extra cheese

And to admit to my husband that I am fallible…..because he didn’t realize that before 🙂

Feel it. You would be surprised what sprouts from it.

And to dear Sarah…..tell my girl hello.

2 thoughts on “Feel this”

  1. Sometimes, it's easier to not feel it, but being a “feeler” too, I know it creeps in there. I felt this post…and I shed a few tears for you, and your friends, and our friends, and everyone living in this world of medically fragile children. Love you!


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